Disco music, dim lighting, the thick cigarette smoke veiling and cocooning me. Sipping a ludicrously expensive gin and tonic I gaze across the nightclub floor at the deejay, willing him to look my way. I know I look gorgeous yet I’m terribly insecure. It works! He quickly comes over to me. I’m shocked and embarrassed; it happened too fast, I’m not ready! I brush him off by pretending he misread the situation. He shrugs and goes away. I’m still shocked that it worked, and so fast! This isn’t something I’ve tried before, tending instead to stay quiet, not flirt even, not wanting to be misread or considered a tease… so no games for me and instead wanting men to understand I’m not a threat, I’m reliable, trustworthy, kind. I feel guilty now – why did I do it? I didn’t even fancy him; I just wanted to prove I could.
Uncomfortable now, I turn away and find myself gazing into the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. My body responds before I’ve even seen his face. He’s young, about 22 I’d guess, with dark blond hair, and very beautiful.
We look, we dance, we smoke and struggle to communicate through our different languages. An hour passes and he wants to walk me back to my hotel, along the beach he says, very romantic under the moon with the sea. My body longing, my emotions surging, my mind says ‘oh right, yes sure, I know what you want and it’s not going to happen coz it will feel cheap, tacky – I will feel used.’ (I also thought about the discomfort of the sand…)
On the way home with the girls now and they tell I should have, thinking I’d said no because of being unfaithful to my boyfriend back home…they said they wouldn’t have told on me. That’s only part of it for me though. I feel a deep regret, and confusion. Did I make the right decision or should I have taken the chance and gone along with him? No, I know it would have cheapened, lessened the experience as I thought the physical reality rarely lived up to my imagined one. With the benefit of hindsight and many years of life, I wonder if I’d have chosen differently had I had some experience of a satisfying, fulfilling sex-life, perhaps I might have not thought that the thought of sex is better than it would be in reality.
Back in the hotel in my rather horrible single bed in the room I am sharing with a girlfriend and her 2 young children in our dismal, creepy old hotel, head spinning from too much alcohol, ears ringing from overly loud music, mind buzzing, wondering if I will manage to fall asleep and if so, will I ever awaken again from the intensely psychic energies of this creepy old place!
I drift off whilst thinking of my Italian Adonis. A moment later I’m immediately awake. He’s stepping into the corridor leading to my room! It’s a long, narrow passage-way and he’s walking slowly towards my door…
My body is responding, fully sexually aroused in mere moments. I’m lying on my back, utterly still, silent, every inch, every part of me intensely focussed on his progress. My body is singing.
He gets closer and closer, my pleasure intensifies with every step he takes. I can barely breathe, all is still, there’s no sound, no space, no time. The air, thick with my expectancy and anticipation, holds me a willing prisoner in my cocoon of pleasure.
Outside my door now, his hand on the handle, turning it. The door opens… I orgasm, not a small orgasm but a huge mega, completely real orgasm like I’ve never orgasmed before. It doesn’t hit the roof; it goes right through it and out of the building, reverberating its celebration for miles into the night. No, not a small orgasm like all I’ve had before through self-stimulation of the clitoris, this was an orgasm to change my life. I never knew how BIG orgasm could be, my whole body involved, the energy massive and unrestricted and not just contained within my body. And at exactly the same moment I orgasm, I awake, until then I did not know I was dreaming.
In the moment, I realise that I have no resistance, no fear, no self-inflicted limitations; my body and energy field are as one and I experience nothing but wave upon wave of ecstatic pleasure and there’s nothing to stop it happening. I sense it like a sphere of shimmering subtle energy emanating from my body and simultaneously returning to me. I sense how it interacts with what it touches.
I lay there afterwards, going over the experience and insights.
OMG that was amazing! Awesome!
Will I be able to do it again?
Now, that’s how sex SHOULD be.
Why can’t I do that when I’m with someone?
Why indeed. At the time I got many insights, not least was that this experience confirmed to me what I had long suspected: my inability to orgasm with a partner was purely psychological and there was nothing physically wrong with me. As the years passed I also developed many other insights and this experience was fundamental to my own sexual healing journey and also the work with others for theirs.
Another valuable insight I got at the time was that I realised that what I’d thought of as good orgasms up till now were in fact miniscule and puny in comparison. They’d been limited to and caused through physical stimulation. This dream orgasm had been completely touch free. Somehow I knew that the possibilities and implications were huge! Though for some years all I saw was that the reality of sex with another was often much less than the anticipation of it. That fantasy was more enjoyable than fact. But what is real and what is not? Is it not the case that both fantasy and fact can both be extremely enjoyable experiences and why should we put one above the other? Couldn’t we just enjoy both, rather than polarize to one extreme or the other?
The ‘wet dream’ I’d had was not from contrived sexual fantasy; it had happened without my conscious mind choosing it, though I was consciously aware and chose to think about this dream lover before I went to sleep, I had not fantasized about having sex with him.
The way I experienced the ecstatic energy was vastly different in my body. The sensation and awareness of having no resistance to the orgasmic energy was in itself an ecstatic experience and the orgasm added to this. It could equally be the other way around. For me, this raises questions about the nature of energy, of physical being, of interaction. And no touch involved! Purely from the imaginal realms I’d had a highly energized and physical experience. That alone was mind-blowing.
I was even less satisfied with partnered sex A.D. (After Dream) than I had B.D. It would be some 20 years before I was able to feel comfortable enough to relax and ‘achieve’ orgasm with a partner through intercourse. That’s quite sad of course, yet it was also this situation that contributed to my desire to help others with sexuality issues and also of course to continue exploring for myself too. My reality at the time was that though I had a longing for more sexual satisfaction, it wasn’t really centre stage in my life and only once in while would it creep in from the edges of my mind. I simply believed that this was just the way it was for me. So I’d settle for less, unable to even consider talking to my partners or seeking help, hoping things would change on their own or I’d meet someone with whom everything would be perfect. This fear of talking to another about sex also gave me good skills to make others feel comfortable talking to me about their sexual issues and to listen without judgment.
Nowadays I continue to develop myself and grow in spiritual awareness through exploring my sexuality and looking back on my younger self I feel deep compassion for her for all the confusion, suffering and misunderstanding she went through.
© Lynn Paterson 2018