I was reading through old journals last night from August 2016; a time which was one of the toughest periods in my life. I’ve not managed to read fully through any of it before and had forgotten the circumstances that led me to go outside in the rain at 3am one night. My poem “Soft Summer Rain” came from that night and I published that here on my blog in 2018. I’m sharing more of the circumstances around the poem as I understand it could be helpful to have more context around the poem as some might want to invite in something similar.
It was around the 16th or 17th of August, there was a full moon with an eclipse following it, said to be a potent time.
I’d awoken at 2am and was reading as I couldn’t get back to sleep. My mind was in overdrive and I was caught up in over thinking and strategizing. I caught myself working out an excuse for why I wasn’t going to keep an appointment that day – if I couldn’t sleep I would be too tired to attend. I was strategizing that my cancellation would be justified as she’d cancelled me at least 3 times in the past. I reckoned she owed me cancellations! Once I’d seen though this belief I realised how unhelpful it was, how stuck in the past I was and not just with this instance either! So much of my current unhappiness was rooted in the past, the distance past and also the recent past. I looked into my heart and invited in Spirit to help me see more clearly and to let go of the past:
Cast the Past.
Believe not in the past or future and you negate karma.
Get used to discomfort and it shall be your friend.
You are as bright as a million bright suns; there is no power this small world has over you!
See? The illusion, deception of comfort, is that it is also uncomfortable,
See this and you can dissolve opposites. Try it with anything.
Yearn for anything of the world and you are imprisoned by the world.
It was now 3am and it was raining softly, I could hear the gutters dripping. I got a quiet invitation to go outside and stand naked in the rain. I almost avoided it but listened again and I saw I would be cleansed, “they” said cleansed and freed of the past. I decided to do it despite the usual reluctance.
I went outside naked and stood in the quiet summer rain. I turned and faced each direction and again with my arms up to the sky and a surge of energy and aliveness, of spiritual activation, imbued me.
These are the words I wrote afterwards – it’s what forms the poem Soft Summer Rain – it’s how I experienced it in the moment:
Lay me bare Stripped back to the soul Let me hide nothing from your gaze So nothing may remain unseen, unloved,denied by me
I tremble in your Light, a Love I cannot fight, for this Love is not power, nor force – it is nothing, and I cannot fight nothing. Beloved, in your Love I Am remade in the eye of God In the Realm of the undenied is the real-eyes-d,.
Soft summer rain, soothing, calming; an invitation to dissolve the ties of the past. Naked in the night
I turn to face each direction, not once but twice A complete circle, each turn in time, and time itself dissolves. Rain feels like fire; a Baptism, alone.
Activation completed, I knew that:
Earth and Sky used me, imbued me to touch each other, and in so doing imbued me with fire and water, body birthed … body of Earth.
Activated now I reached for the karmic wheel to cut away the past and the future.
I intuitively felt to use my right arm like a sword and cut through the invisible ties and bindings, cords, ropes, chains that bound me to the past.
The work, the experience, was over and I went back inside, feeling so alive, so loved, and in awe of being human, in gratitude to being Lynn.
Though I cut away the past that night I still had a long way to go to come to terms and integrate the experiences that caused me so much pain in the period 2014-2016. It’s only now that I feel able to read through the journal of August 2016.
Today has been a strange kind of day. Somehow though I don’t know why, it feels like a full circle kind of day. Crows have been around, Oak trees have been in my awareness, water and the circle of life, of death have been there too…somehow they all connect and are showing me the mystery tantalisingly just at the edges of my consciousness. An experience with exchanging energy with an oak tree brought me back to a primordial feeling of life. Back to the beginning. The flavour of it reminded of another such primordial beginning experience I’d had many years ago in Hawaii via the humpback whales.
“I was there in the beginning, dreaming the world into existence.”
Sometimes we have experiences ‘accidentally’ that are very similar in nature to those we might have ‘on purpose’ as in a vision quest. I’m not really much of one for the on purpose or intentionally directed experiences as I find my mind gets so caught up in trying to make things happen and then of course it becomes too contrived. It works better for me for things to happen ‘accidentally on purpose’. In other words, not directed or intentioned by my conscious mind.
Sometimes the accident part is quite literal as in the time I was swimming with wild spinner dolphins in Hawaii early one morning in Kealakekua Bay on the Big Island. The beach there has big rounded rocks on the shore line and often there are considerable waves hitting the shore making it difficult to get in and out, especially with flippers and snorkel gear on. That morning I was swimming for a long time and when we eventually headed back to shore I was tired and hungry, and a little shaky from the interactions with the dolphins. With dolphins it’s a holistic experience; it hits on all levels and I wasn’t just tired physically but emotionally, spiritually and mentally affected too. There’s a tendency to overdo things because the experience is so beautiful, you keep wanting another encounter. It was time though to leave, we were hungry and thirsty and the dolphin action was quietening down.
I swan to the shoreline and was concerned to see considerable wave action now. My partner managed to get out but I could see he hurt himself a little on the slippery rocks. I didn’t manage so well and got tossed about, struggled and got pretty beaten up on the rocks in the process. Thank goodness they were rounded rocks not jaggy but even so I was aware of cuts and bruises as I stood shaking and in shock on the shore. My partner hadn’t noticed and had headed back to the where the car was parked. By the time I hobbled over I was well and truly in a shocked state. It had been a brutal experience and I had been scared to my core, old memories of near drowning incidents still with me from my earlier life. Both my legs were bruised and bleeding especially around the knees, fortunately nothing needing stitches though.
I was wrapped up in towels and put in the front passenger seat. My partner drove us to our usual breakfast stop but I couldn’t go in – I was already drifting in and out of an altered state of consciousness brought on by the shock and physical trauma. I needed to stay in the car and let myself go into the deep mind so he went in alone and I was grateful the car had stopped moving so I could let go and disappear into myself for a while.
It’s at this point in recounting the story that I hesitate and to date have not managed to get beyond. I guess the main reason is I fear being thought of as egotistical, big headed or that I think myself better than others. It’s also because I don’t want others to feel less than because they haven’t had such experiences…all arrogance of course but still….it’s challenging to write about such deeply mystical experiences as this was with the connotations it has. Ultimately I have got to get over myself and realise that such mystical experiences are there to show us who we are and that we are Source itself. Trust in the process. It’s no big deal and yet at the same time it is a big deal.
(Anyway… some hours later I return to writing the story)
Humpback whales swim, float into my awareness. I think it’s strange because I was swimming with dolphins and yet here are whales. The thought passes. . I feel very safe in this altered reality with my physical body wet and salty from the swim, warm now wrapped up in towels, I am cocooned. The whales do not speak yet I understand they are taking me somewhere and immediately I have this thought we go back in time, further and further back. I realise the whales are not just guides but the star-gate and the journey itself. They are both the means of travel and the travel itself. And as I go back still further, time itself unwinds, stripping away from itself, spiralling through the cosmos and then there is awareness of no time. It is primordial, before time.
Now, I am there, in the beginning. I see the world before me, not as it is now but from before time began, not yet physically formed. I am aware of myself then, as me yet not the personal ‘me’. I am part of a collective, with individual awareness, and all of all of us there in the beginning, dream time. The world was not yet formed, still gaseous at this stage, still in the process and yet to form into physical matter…this I knew. There were a definite number of us, not an infinite number. I do not remember how many, only that I am one of the many, many of the one. I see-feel-sense-know in perfection how this could be so, many angels ‘flying’, circling around the world, dreaming it into existence. I was not physical either, none were physical beings. Collective yet with individual awareness.
Words form in me. “I was there in the beginning, dreaming the world into existence.”
In searching for an image, I came across the work of Jean-Luc Bozzoli whom I had met in Hawaii along with his partner Joan Ocean. In his artwork I find similarities to my experience in Hawaii and in the words also, so similar, a message here from the humpback whales which really is saying more or less the same thing as my experience:
“MESSAGE FROM THE WHALES: “You believed that you were localized in space and time. Now you understand that you are part of an Inter-flow. Inter-flow is a word that we whales have provided for you to describe the process as we whales know it. It is not a noun, but a verb ? everything is movement and we are also in movement. In us, singularity and plurality are one and the same. There is only the One, the ultimate reality, indwelling in all. The multiplicity you seem to experience in your lives is only a mirror of the One. All the beautiful variety and diversity, is united in an immense sophisticated singularity of such huge proportions that it is difficult for you to comprehend. ——- But we can see that the experiment of integration with you and others is working. The synergy between our minds is increasing.”
Almost 15 years on and I realise how many extreme and mystical experiences happen to me after I have been in water for prolonged periods. Not just in water either, but about water, and how water shapes physical matter, how it is the well-spring within us, La Source, Mother.
It brings me the greatest joy to share my experiences and even more joy to assist others in having experiences. I am available for you if you wish to make a connection with the humpbacks, dolphins, crow-people, trees, water, angels, Divine Mother … I act like a bridge to connect your awareness with them. This can be simply a beautiful experience and it can also be of assistance in embodying your divine blueprint, helping you to the next stage of your life journey and opening new doorways in reality, in perception. Sessions can be in person, via video call or remotely in meditation. Please get in touch, many blessings.
Lynn Paterson and Peter Choi are delighted to invite you to join them on retreat in France from 3rd September 2018. This Adevoiler retreat is in 2 parts and both English and French will be spoken. You can choose the first week only or choose to join for the second week as well. Due to the close proximity to the event we’re asking anyone interested to act very quickly.
The inspiration for this retreat is to invite others to join us in continuing our exploration based upon our experience last September, 2017.
From exploring the mysteries of the exterior to the mystery of the interior. Exploring the energy of source in nature and exploring the source in the feminine. Allowing Nature to inform us of deep truths about ourselves and the nature of our place, our role, in the world.
A series of exercises will be intermixed with a series of nature and site visits to progressively unveil what is the mystery … what is it that prevents us from seeing beyond the mystery?
In allowing the veil to lift, to dissolve, we allow ourselves to contact the reality through sensation, perception and illusions. Part of the aim of the exploration is to re-connect our senses to our consciousness to explore pleasures that are sovereign. In this way we give ourselves permission to be and express ourselves.
Together the group will co-create and live a journey of unveiling to see beyond what we see and to touch beyond what we touch…
The first part is from 3-10 September2018 and we will be re-tracing some of the steps of last year. Here we will be focusing primarily on the cathedral sites of Chartres and Orleans, the famous gardens at Giverny (I was there in June this year and it’s fabulous.) We also plan to walk the labyrinth at Chartres – labyrinths have long been known as a mysterious gateway to finding deeper truths.
Location – Les Molieires, Île-de-France. It’s less than an hour to Chartres form here. Accommodation is in shared rooms in a large private home on the edge of a village in the countryside. We anticipate the costs for the first part (3-10 Sept – 7 nights) to be in the region of £70 per night per person to include accommodation, meals and shared car hire. It will be a little less if all places are filled. Both English and French will be spoken and we have a translator. Meals will be simple and wholesome – preparation will be a shared endeavour.
In the second part 11-14 September, 2018, Peter and Lynn invite you to join us as we continue down into the Loire Valley. We will go deeper into the unveiling process with visits around the Loire Valley and giving more time to the indoor work. Visits we intend (not limited to) will include Chateau Chenonceau – a simply stunning chateau on water with its incredible gardens and huge trees it makes for fabulous outing…plus we hope to find ourselves another labyrinth! Also we will have time in nature and space to integrate.
Location – Loire Valley – As the retreat is a co-creative endeavour we will only book accommodation once we know how many wish to join us. We estimate the costs for the second part (10-14 Sept – 4 nights) will be similar per night per person to the first week. – It’s not possible to attend only the second week.
The Retreat is for a maximum of 12 participants and a minimum of 6, plus us two. Open to singles and couples. If you’re interested the first step is to complete the CONTACT FORM telling us a little about you, adding any questions… and we’ll be in touch very soon.
We suggest reading through the series of articles FRANCE PILGRIMAGES Lynn has written following her experience in France last year as this will give much information through words, and much more through the spaces in-between. It’s a long read so please don’t wait till you’ve read it to book as time is passing quickly!
Please note: this is not a usual facilitator led group – Peter and Lynn are here to share their experiences and skills etc. in a group format because we love to share what fascinates, intrigues and helps us. There is no charge for facilitation; the cost of the retreat is to cover expenses only. The group we create together is to enhance personal sovereignty – not to diminish it. A big part of our aim is to allow personal space, personal expression, and personal experience for each individual – it is much more desirable for all to be themselves…this retreat will be providing space in which we can be ourselves as individuals and as a group. All participants must be comfortable with deeper work and capable of facing their inner issues in a mature and self-responsible manner.
Transport – flights etc. not included. Car hire is suggested on a shared or individual basis (we trust it to work out between the group as bookings progress). Please ask about travel arrangements – we are delighted to help and don’t want the travel to be a problem for anyone who wants to join us.
Both English and French will be spoken and we have a translator. Meals will be simple and wholesome – preparation will be a shared endeavour. Restricted diets can be self-prepared.
Disco music, dim lighting, the thick cigarette smoke veiling and cocooning me. Sipping a ludicrously expensive gin and tonic I gaze across the nightclub floor at the deejay, willing him to look my way. I know I look gorgeous yet I’m terribly insecure. It works! He quickly comes over to me. I’m shocked and embarrassed; it happened too fast, I’m not ready! I brush him off by pretending he misread the situation. He shrugs and goes away. I’m still shocked that it worked, and so fast! This isn’t something I’ve tried before, tending instead to stay quiet, not flirt even, not wanting to be misread or considered a tease… so no games for me and instead wanting men to understand I’m not a threat, I’m reliable, trustworthy, kind. I feel guilty now – why did I do it? I didn’t even fancy him; I just wanted to prove I could.
Uncomfortable now, I turn away and find myself gazing into the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. My body responds before I’ve even seen his face. He’s young, about 22 I’d guess, with dark blond hair, and very beautiful.
We look, we dance, we smoke and struggle to communicate through our different languages. An hour passes and he wants to walk me back to my hotel, along the beach he says, very romantic under the moon with the sea. My body longing, my emotions surging, my mind says ‘oh right, yes sure, I know what you want and it’s not going to happen coz it will feel cheap, tacky – I will feel used.’ (I also thought about the discomfort of the sand…)
On the way home with the girls now and they tell I should have, thinking I’d said no because of being unfaithful to my boyfriend back home…they said they wouldn’t have told on me. That’s only part of it for me though. I feel a deep regret, and confusion. Did I make the right decision or should I have taken the chance and gone along with him? No, I know it would have cheapened, lessened the experience as I thought the physical reality rarely lived up to my imagined one. With the benefit of hindsight and many years of life, I wonder if I’d have chosen differently had I had some experience of a satisfying, fulfilling sex-life, perhaps I might have not thought that the thought of sex is better than it would be in reality.
Back in the hotel in my rather horrible single bed in the room I am sharing with a girlfriend and her 2 young children in our dismal, creepy old hotel, head spinning from too much alcohol, ears ringing from overly loud music, mind buzzing, wondering if I will manage to fall asleep and if so, will I ever awaken again from the intensely psychic energies of this creepy old place!
I drift off whilst thinking of my Italian Adonis. A moment later I’m immediately awake. He’s stepping into the corridor leading to my room! It’s a long, narrow passage-way and he’s walking slowly towards my door…
My body is responding, fully sexually aroused in mere moments. I’m lying on my back, utterly still, silent, every inch, every part of me intensely focussed on his progress. My body is singing.
He gets closer and closer, my pleasure intensifies with every step he takes. I can barely breathe, all is still, there’s no sound, no space, no time. The air, thick with my expectancy and anticipation, holds me a willing prisoner in my cocoon of pleasure.
Outside my door now, his hand on the handle, turning it. The door opens… I orgasm, not a small orgasm but a huge mega, completely real orgasm like I’ve never orgasmed before. It doesn’t hit the roof; it goes right through it and out of the building, reverberating its celebration for miles into the night. No, not a small orgasm like all I’ve had before through self-stimulation of the clitoris, this was an orgasm to change my life. I never knew how BIG orgasm could be, my whole body involved, the energy massive and unrestricted and not just contained within my body. And at exactly the same moment I orgasm, I awake, until then I did not know I was dreaming.
In the moment, I realise that I have no resistance, no fear, no self-inflicted limitations; my body and energy field are as one and I experience nothing but wave upon wave of ecstatic pleasure and there’s nothing to stop it happening. I sense it like a sphere of shimmering subtle energy emanating from my body and simultaneously returning to me. I sense how it interacts with what it touches.
I lay there afterwards, going over the experience and insights.
OMG that was amazing! Awesome!
Will I be able to do it again?
Now, that’s how sex SHOULD be.
Why can’t I do that when I’m with someone?
Why indeed. At the time I got many insights, not least was that this experience confirmed to me what I had long suspected: my inability to orgasm with a partner was purely psychological and there was nothing physically wrong with me. As the years passed I also developed many other insights and this experience was fundamental to my own sexual healing journey and also the work with others for theirs.
Another valuable insight I got at the time was that I realised that what I’d thought of as good orgasms up till now were in fact miniscule and puny in comparison. They’d been limited to and caused through physical stimulation. This dream orgasm had been completely touch free. Somehow I knew that the possibilities and implications were huge! Though for some years all I saw was that the reality of sex with another was often much less than the anticipation of it. That fantasy was more enjoyable than fact. But what is real and what is not? Is it not the case that both fantasy and fact can both be extremely enjoyable experiences and why should we put one above the other? Couldn’t we just enjoy both, rather than polarize to one extreme or the other?
The ‘wet dream’ I’d had was not from contrived sexual fantasy; it had happened without my conscious mind choosing it, though I was consciously aware and chose to think about this dream lover before I went to sleep, I had not fantasized about having sex with him.
The way I experienced the ecstatic energy was vastly different in my body. The sensation and awareness of having no resistance to the orgasmic energy was in itself an ecstatic experience and the orgasm added to this. It could equally be the other way around. For me, this raises questions about the nature of energy, of physical being, of interaction. And no touch involved! Purely from the imaginal realms I’d had a highly energized and physical experience. That alone was mind-blowing.
I was even less satisfied with partnered sex A.D. (After Dream) than I had B.D. It would be some 20 years before I was able to feel comfortable enough to relax and ‘achieve’ orgasm with a partner through intercourse. That’s quite sad of course, yet it was also this situation that contributed to my desire to help others with sexuality issues and also of course to continue exploring for myself too. My reality at the time was that though I had a longing for more sexual satisfaction, it wasn’t really centre stage in my life and only once in while would it creep in from the edges of my mind. I simply believed that this was just the way it was for me. So I’d settle for less, unable to even consider talking to my partners or seeking help, hoping things would change on their own or I’d meet someone with whom everything would be perfect. This fear of talking to another about sex also gave me good skills to make others feel comfortable talking to me about their sexual issues and to listen without judgment.
Nowadays I continue to develop myself and grow in spiritual awareness through exploring my sexuality and looking back on my younger self I feel deep compassion for her for all the confusion, suffering and misunderstanding she went through.
I’d been reading the Cathar book We Are One Another by Arthur Guirdham and I’d been at it pretty intensely, getting drawn into the story for a couple of weeks, and it was also just after the first Waterfalls retreat. I’d been sharing with a friend about my France experiences, and there was a certain energy to that. That night I couldn’t sleep and was restless, some kundalini type orgasmic energy (mild) came up through me and that is slightly unusual for me these days. Then I started to get words through:
Kundalini can be utilised to raise vibration consciously. Once a certain vibration is reached, the information (truth) at that level is available to read, or is revealed. Like moving up and down the musical scales, different vibrational state can be accessed easily. Movement between them (like an elevator) is easily achieved. One floor is not necessarily better than another, once all are easily accessible by choice, one can move between at will and not get stuck in one place. It’s the getting stuck and not realising you can move, that is suffering. Once you realise you can move at will, suffering ceases, as does judgement and really, not floor is better or worse than another, they are just different, and preferences are fine to have.
Sexual ecstasy can be used in the same way, as can nature, like waterfalls, which can give access to the Nature Spirit dimension. Getting stuck in lower states can be avoided, or if it happens, then there’s always someone there to remind you . This is the benefit of having a group to consort with.
This movement describes resonance.
Food can be used – by omitting food of low vibration, one may access higher frequencies. Vibration however will not be sustained at this level because there is separation/judgement of ‘lower’ food, or energies. Transcendence is not lifting above, not going through. So, if there should be a time when vibration drops, and there will be because it’s not true higher vibe, but almost like artificially made higher state, then a crash will happen because there is still a frequency not embodied. By eating low/dense vibration food, and not judging it, one may bring consciousness to the lower states, thereby giving opportunity for growth and expansion to that state. Any judgement on anything will negate any chance that there is anything in that structure that may be utilised. All states exist in all humans at all times.
The ‘key’ is remembering that one can travel or move between frequencies.
Travelling to other locations horizontally (physical travel to locations on the planet) gives access to information and inter-action there too. Embodiment is helped by massage. Once one person accesses a frequency and embodies it, it is available to all at that level.
Penetration of Matter by Spirit. It’s about matching frequency.
You can travel ahead but you must circle around and collect the strays, the laggers-on and help them if you are one who can bridge the gap by having one foot in high and the other in low. Function – ascension.
I realised that though food was mentioned, this was but one example of how we may judge activities or organisations, such as the banking and financial sector, or government etc. Name your favourite dislike! It was also understood that making anything a villain, or hero, would inevitably lead to it becoming the other. Don’t take sides – build a bridge between them instead.
This is a time for collaboration. That the Cathars upheld each other comes across very clearly in that book, they looked out for each other and lifted each other when one was hurting, wounded, in pain. This is something we can do for each other, just by listening, chatting, being kind – it’s easy to help another like this and one feels lifted by the experience of doing so. If I am feeling low, then I must learn to reach out and let my dear ones know – and vice-versa. It doesn’t hurt or deplete me to allow love to flow through me if a dear one is feeling low. The key is the knowledge and awareness that it is possible to move between states of consciousness and that one is not ‘fixed’ in one place…this is also important when it comes to listening to a dear one in pain – they do not need to be fixed.
Earlier this year I was surprised to feel the inner calling to return to the south of France. I’d thought I was finished with France. I was even more surprised to feel a connection again to Mary Magdalene as I was certain I’d left all that behind, never to be re-visited. Then the Cathars popped in too and all sorts of resonant information started collating itself in my close connections, social media, inboxes and other such places. As I said, I was very surprised to find this connection alive again because as far as I was concerned, I’d seen through all of the illusion and had no desire to get back involved with any of it again. I’d visited the area about 10 years previously and also in 2014 with a group. Though my time there in 2014 was incredibly awesome, there were other aspects that I’d come into realisation about afterwards that lead to me withdrawing energy from the stories and people of the area. I remember that even in 2014 I was surprised to hear from Magdalene again, as I hadn’t been feeling much of a connection for some years. Truly, it’s a living mystery how these things come about!
In late 2013, and early 2014, I’d had two ‘callings’ from Magdalene in connection with the south of France. As it turns out, so had my friend Deborah. She emailed me “Magdalene is calling me, fancy going to the south of France with me?” Deborah and I had re-connected in 2014 in Malta/Gozo after several years of little contact between us – but one thing is for certain with Deborah and me, every time we met it was extremely activating for us both.
“Magdalene’s been calling me too, so yes!” I somewhat bemusedly found myself saying. We decided to organise a retreat and blend that with private time. I felt like it must be in September. We called our retreat “Initiation” and all I can say is, it certainly was! One major factor in our retreat was to leave space for the Unknown (Divine Mother ) to come in – I was very sure of this aspect though Deborah less so, she was always happy to trust my intuitive hits. Here’s how we put it:
“Our theme for the weekend is “Initiation”. Our intention is to invite the serpent-light power of Kundalini to awaken. We will be the crucible for Gaia’s Fire and our instructor will be Gaia Herself. And this is the exploratory part… we don’t know precisely what She will bring forth!”
Little did we know what this was setting off for us, and that our individual and joint stories would weave unexpected and unknown paths. In fact, I wonder at my own inexperience looking back – boy have I had initiation after initiation since then! I have also discovered since that our story wove with that of the Cathars as well as that of Mary Magdalene. When we discovered that there was a Cathar cave experience that the Cathar Initiates took part in we decided we simply had to include the cave expedition which several retreat participants decided to join us in too. Because of the turns my life took that summer, I never did blog about the retreat, sites and caves we experienced so I’ll be including that later on, but for now I’m skipping ahead to the story of the 2015 retreat.
“Till the wind shake a thousand whispers from the yew” – T.S. Eliot
It’s been just over three years since the yew incident in Devon which forms the main part for this blog, I’ve only recently felt to write about it. Before now, I never really seriously thought to put it into the written word and now that I have, I’ve really struggled in writing about it and it’s testing me in many ways.
Days of starting and not getting anywhere, going off on tangents and realising that they’re not tangents and unable to cope with trying to get a very large map into a readable format. There are layers of meanings within meanings and always there is a deeper level of understanding to drop into. But how does one paint the whole universe? By realising that one cannot not paint the whole universe in the first stroke? At least not unless one trusts that in every word, in every space, in what is said, and not said, is like a hologram that contains the whole. And by just being content with the content so far… and realising that sometimes the perfection of writing is that it is imperfect, and unfinished.
That hasn’t made it easier to write and I know now after struggling with it for weeks, that I am going through a deep initiation and learning as I write this piece. As I sit now writing this bit, I have just experienced a small panic attack and an intense urge to get up and do something else, anything to distract myself. I become quite agitated and get adrenaline rushes and hot flushes. I don’t know whether this is just about writing this particular piece or writing in general. Probably the two are not separate. I can only manage to write a few words, and a sentence or two takes more than 30 minutes! I think it’s partly because of the difficulties in either talking or writing without using a linear cause and effect model. I must write a poem about the experience of trying to write this stuff 😀 Certainly it would help if I could develop more of a sense of humour about it all – probably a good time for some laughter yoga! In writing this piece, I can actually see myself playing out on the micro scale the macrocosm of my life habits – the distraction, the focus on the little details like spelling, the seeming inability to trust the process, the constant allowing of interference, lack of focus, distraction by shiny things… the list goes on …and I’m betting all that sounds very familiar to a lot of people.
I suspect that this is just the beginning, and that I will be writing about this and in general from now on. One of the incredibly difficulties I find in writing is in trying to describe things from an holistic experience, rather than cause and effect, or storytelling in a linear fashion. I don’t know where to start and how to describe all the various directions my experience takes me in. This is because that even if not at the time, I now experience life as simultaneous potential (resonance) and not just in terms of cause and effect and a single forward moving timeline. I mostly always write from my direct experiences and will sometimes include additional material to help to explain or expand my findings. Sometimes this acts like validation for me. Also, I write in this style to keep it as pure as possible, I do not wish to translate it into ‘givens’ or create more dogmas from my findings. The point of experience or the sharing of it, is not control and knowledge – it’s not so one can say, ‘well this is the truth, and now I’m happy because I know the unknowable’.
Additionally, and interestingly, there are two very important things I’ve discovered during this process. 1) coffee is a shamanic plant medicine and can be engaged with as such. 2)My internal guidance telling me that ‘little and often’ is incredible wisdom for me, and not only does it work, it reveals so much more, and importantly, un-writes old unhelpful stuff and writes new neural pathways that have implications throughout my life. 3)I’ve forgotten what number 3 was.
I’m organising a nature retreat in the Trossachs area in Scotland for Sept 29th – Oct 1st, 2017. For the past few days I’ve been immersed in writing and re-writing about it. It’s simple, yet it’s been a big deal for me to move into being okay with the simplicity of it. Workwise, I’ve gone through a huge transition since pulling back from the tantric work I was offering. This has not just been about trying to find the write words; it’s been about moving into a deeper part of myself, leaning into the Lynn-ness, integrating and embodying (interesting that the word ‘dying’ is within the word embodying) and becoming less of me in so many ways, and in the process, becoming more.
This is my first offering of this kind and it will launch a new endeavour I received a few months ago when meditating at Bracklin Falls in Callander. A new chapter of healing started after I returned from living in Ireland; a very deep process, and central to that was Nature and elemental beings. I started taking even more time in nature, alone, walking, sitting by waterfalls, communing with trees, taking in the beauty of nature, slowing down into stillness and allowing my mind and emotional space to be less complex, divesting myself of deeper and deeper layers of conditioning and fears. I felt called to do this, an essential thing my soul insisted upon. My experiences, and photographs, of nature changed, they became more alive, more multi-dimensional. I found a new term, multi-sensual, which describes perfectly the wholistic nature of life of experience and experiencer.
At Bracklinn Falls that day I received the first insights into a new endeavour, a body of work, part of which is offering retreats for groups of people and elementals to come together in magical, playful, creative collaboration with each other and the elemental beings. This information is part of the story of my whole life expression – I could say it’s the result of all the years of being interested in nature, metaphysics, mysticism, tantra etc etc, yet the truth is that I cannot separate things anymore into cause and effect, so I see the information that came through simply as another chapter in the story of my life expression.
Some years ago, I realised that we (elementals and humans) each hold the key to each other’s fulfilment of potential (growth) – this now became a reality for me. They are our missing piece as we are theirs. For us, they can help us in areas especially where we have most fear; death, sexuality, other realities/dimensions, duality, spirituality, self-sovereignty. And how we help them? Well, that an important thing and what we get to find out in due course will be enlightening. Their story is not separate from ours, just as on a coin, heads is not separate from tails.
Later on I received further information which expanded on the original vision and gave an overall plan for the ‘Body of Work’ which is to explore and develop an organic, multi-sensual, multi-dimensional connection and multi-media collaboration with Nature. In seeking a name, I later consulted my favourite Oak Tree (as you do) at the Doon Hill Fairy Walk in Aberfoyle. I was guided to another tree spirit who brought forward the name “Nature My Temple”.
It’s taken months to integrate these experiences and it’s been very challenging to write about it, and even more so to try to put into words the non-teaching, non-hierarchal nature of these interactions and in turn, the new retreats. How could I offer an event that wasn’t based on teaching or guidance or suggestive of some sort of shift in consciousness, some sort of ‘reward’ or some solution to a problem? How would that be appealing? I’ve been advised that people want to know what their investment will give them. Well, the truth is that I don’t know, and more so, that having an agenda cannot yield realisation. Over and over again I’ve caught myself trying to solve the problem of having an agenda on having no agenda. Lol. Thing is that any reason for doing something, adding any ‘because’ to anything will only push ‘First Cause’ away. Because, there is no ‘because’, there is only ’Be Cause’. (Lol. Did you see that? Using ‘because’ to talk about the untruth of the word?)
Sometimes, it is easier to say what somethign is not than to say what it is. I always found that to be the case when trying to describe what tantra is for instance. About this new work and the retreats/events, I can safely say that it is most definitely not about trying to fix, or solve a problem, or add to anything or anyone.
So, I have done my best to describe the event without adding agenda or raising expectations, though inevitably that will happen and divesting ourselves of such does take practise and persistence. I think though that the best way for me to say it is in the elementals own words:
“We come here and be. We open to stillness and spaciousness in space, thought and time. Join us here where realities intersect.”
Over many years now I’ve been having shamanic experiences in nature. It’s taken me to now to be ready to offer this as a Body of Work, Nature My Temple. I’ve written about some of my experiences over the years on this blog, and have added them to the NatureMyTemple category here in my blog so you can find them if you wish to know more about my nature orientated organic shamanic folding and unfolding journey.
Here are the details of the first event in the Trossachs, Sept 29th – Oct 1st. I’m calling it the first even as it was the first one to come to me, and even though I most likely will be going to The Cathar region in France and offering an event there in early September, this one still feels like it will be the first one. That’s the rather strange experience of living in a multi-dimensional reality. At least it is strange until I get used to it. The event is on Facebook and you may also contact me via email at NatureMyTemple@gmail.com.
Waterfalls and Tree Spirits
Sept 29th – Oct 1st, 2017, join Lynn for a retreat weekend that honours the sacredness of Nature and the sacredness of Self. In communion with Nature we may remember our own true nature, our own unique role, and how that contributes to the whole. This is a journey with many dimensions, many destinations and many diversions! The elemental beings are inviting us to ‘weave a living myth with nature’ – a creative collaboration with them and Mother Earth in conscious evolution.
In coming together in Nature we will weave this living story and our own myth will emerge from the symbols of individual experiences. For each person they will be both the whole story and part of the group story at the same time – as above, so below. Each may know themselves as a unique and essential part of the collective. The Elementals will help us to find and honour our own role and presence whilst at the same time, not putting any pressure of performance on ourselves.
“We come here and be. We open to stillness and spaciousness in space, thought and time. Join us here where realities intersect.”
The theme for this retreat is Waterfalls and Tree Spirits, and that in knowing ‘samenesses’ and ‘differences’ we may know, grow and appreciate more of life. The essence is yin; water, wood, inner space, emptiness, silence, stillness, spaciousness, softness, sharing. The intention is simplicity and that less is more. The outcome may be a gift for self, and/or something to share; a symbol, an insight, an image, a word, a story, a tale, a joke, a song, a movement, a drawing, a sign or silence. It is part of the vision that our sharing will be put online in a simple presentation format.* In this way, it will stay alive, weaving a living myth of our time together, and being the foundation of many to come, more multi-sensual retreats/presentations will join it and as each new person interacts with it, it will become more, as they will too. This is how Weaving a Living Myth works.
*Nature changes and adapts all of the time. It is not a given that sharings are put online, though it is part of the overall vision for NatureMyTemple to publish online. It’s my intention that each feels free to contribute without judgment or the need to validate one’s sharings, and the vision to share online forms a testimony to this. I will always seek agreement prior to publishing online. This could be anonymously if desired. Anything shared remains the property of the experiencer. My intention is to eventually use the ‘Prezi’ application, and I’d love to hear from anyone who has experience, or feels they can assist in working with this. This is a work in progress and will continue to develop in creative collaboration.
Consciousness doesn’t leave you when you die. Consciousness cannot die. The physical form may cease to be as it is, yet even that is consciousness in another form, and it may change its form so dying is simply a rearrangement of consciousness, form-in-motion. In-form-motion. It is forming and unforming in every moment. Living in the physical is a choice in every moment: An “informed” choice. That we don’t see or know it this way is simply down to our beliefs. The dead wood is made of the same stuff as that which lives on it: consciousness. Consciousness is energy that is aware of itself. So how could the wood be dead? Only if we are unable to see what it is will it look either dead or alive. It is been eaten now by a bug, digested in the stomach… at what point does it become the bug?
Looking through my journal for some notes, I came across this little piece I wrote a few months ago. It speaks of the experience of contraction after expansion. After the Ecstasy, the Laundry, as Jack Kornfield put it.
The dawn was grey and unpromising
Another one like so many before
Heavy was the first wave of weariness and with pain fast on its heels, it crashed once more onto my heart.
How much more I wondered.
How much more before I can take no more?
Following my plan for the morning, I went about my business not allowing complete despair to root in me again.
Reminding myself of that which I knew; it’s okay, just be with it, I sang to alieve the pain of dread. Could I ever hope that the shift would last?
Or am I doomed to be teased by Clearsight only to have it snatched away overnight?