Consciousness doesn’t leave you when you die. Consciousness cannot die. The physical form may cease to be as it is, yet even that is consciousness in another form, and it may change its form so dying is simply a rearrangement of consciousness, form-in-motion. In-form-motion. It is forming and unforming in every moment. Living in the physical is a choice in every moment: An “informed” choice. That we don’t see or know it this way is simply down to our beliefs. The dead wood is made of the same stuff as that which lives on it: consciousness. Consciousness is energy that is aware of itself. So how could the wood be dead? Only if we are unable to see what it is will it look either dead or alive. It is been eaten now by a bug, digested in the stomach… at what point does it become the bug?
One day about 10 years ago, I was driving along in my car and an old familiar song came on the radio. It took me back years and in an instant I was once again 17 years of age.
I began to feel immersed in the reminiscing. You know that energy? A sweet sorrow – bitter/sweet… a very poignant feeling of wistfully wishing I was there again because it was so much better back then than it was now… ahh…yes how wonderful it all was then…
Or was it?
Was it really better back then than it was right now?
Because right now was pretty superb actually – I was just in the beginning of a fabulous new relationship, new house, and supremely happy, more so than any other time in my life.
Yet here I was wishing I was in another time and space, convinced by this reminiscing energy that I was better off then. So I asked myself in a no-nonsense way and realised that of course it wasn’t better then! It is just some misperception that makes the past seem better or preferable to the present. In fact I reckoned that in another few years I’d be doing exactly the same thing about this time in my life!
Such mind games!
Perhaps it is unreal yet it is also so believable and real in the moment it is happening. If we just take it a face value and not question, then we simply continue believing it. It stays real for us. So although the experience of reminiscing is not altogether unpleasant it does have a rather melancholy aspect to it and a strange addictive self-indulgent tendency most definitely leaning towards maudlin. Hmmm… I got more curious about the power of this energy and wondered how it worked. In fact, the speed at which my state of mind had changed once the song came on was remarkable and I began to question the reality of this experience we call reminiscing.
So I allowed myself to go back into the reminiscing feeling and very quickly I was feeling less content once more. Having done a fair bit of de-programming of cultural and societal beliefs already, I was equipped to deal with it. I questioned this energy outright: Is this Love? I asked myself. “NO” was the answer. “Well if it’s not Love, it’s not Real and I don’t need to believe it any longer. I let it go now”.
And, it left. Immediately and completely. 100% shift in experience – instantly I felt so much clearer with no energy of reminiscing to be found despite that the song was still playing.
I was left in no doubt that this experience we have of reminiscing is not helpful and is not the truth of who we are. It’s just another way to continue circulating discontent in our life.
This was a simple thing for me to do as I was well used to de-programming and was able to notice the shift in experience very quickly. The whole experience lasted less than the 31/2 minutes the song played. The key here is being aware of what is happening in one’s own experience and being in choice, not being in ignorance of what is going on and blindly accepting it.
Get in touch if you’d like to work personally with me on building up your tool kit to deal with this sort of stuff in the moment.
“Beloved I Am, touch me with your passion, ignite the flame of Love within me! Leave nothing untouched! Unravel me completely.”
“Oh sweet emptiness how I yearn for you! To discover with the secrets of eternity is joy itself! Be with me now my Love for I Am nothing without your desire to know me.”
“Ah Spirit, be upon me now like no other time! Ravish me, explore every atom of my existence and leave no space unvisited. Discover in me the joy of Being.”
Spiraling through space undoing and redoing myself, unmaking and remaking myself. There is nothing here to stop me. Unravelling myself, swirling and coming together again anew … a cosmic dance of Love; Spirit unknowing in one moment … knowing in the next, dancing here, dancing there, dancing every where.
Separate circles … not spirals. Bands, circles, rings – they constrict and bind. Concentric circles around the self…
The eternal Now moment found within the deepest of Self knows no bounds.
She said “Your prison is a self-made construction of the mind. It is not hard to find those who wish to help you build and maintain it, for the wages of sin may be irresistible.”
An emptiness bestows itself upon me; there is a bleakness about it, yet joy can be pulled up by a thread from this void.
To know yourself you have to turn yourself inside out.
Consciousness invading me, swarming over every part of me, nothing is left of me. A mass movement, a movement of mass. Consciousness leaving no stone unturned, no thing can stand in its way as it swarms over and through, devouring, consuming everything in its path, its wake leaving me shattered, broken apart and undone every sense I have, no sense of ‘me’ is left in this moment; I Am dissolved in the sea of consciousness.
Something is stirring my molecules. Something is stirring them back together…
But wait! Out of the corner of my ‘I’ a small silver fish appears. The silver fish of consciousness is back.
He, who had done more than any human being to draw her out of the caves of her secret, folded life, now threw her down into deeper recesses of fear and doubt. The fall was greater than she had ever known, because she had ventured so far into emotion with him and had abandoned herself to it.―Anaïs Nin
It was one thing to be attacked by someone you hated, but this was something else. This was the kind of hurt that could only be inflicted by someone you loved, who you thought loved you. It was sort of like being stabbed from the inside out. —Ethan Wate, “Beautiful Darkness”
The highest, most decisive experience is to be alone with one’s own self. You must be alone to find out what supports you, when you find that you can not support yourself. Only this experience can give you an indestructible foundation. —C.G. Jung
A Dark Night is . . . a mental and emotional state of despair that arises when something is so painful that it blots out all other considerations and makes carrying on as usual out of the question. —Susan Piver
I wrote this short poem last year, at one of the peaks of despair after my relationship broke up. It yielded a massive break-through…though I had to go into the pain fully to experience it before it broke on the shores of truth.
The cry of darkness, the call of the wild, burning from my heart into yours. Shadows; dancing and chasing themselves into endless knots of stupidity in my mind. How can it be that I do not know?
Chasms open up into pain engulfing my very consciousness reminding me of my mortality and screaming like a banshee in a high wind I cry NO! there is no me that is threatened here.
I’m a very visual person, especially when it comes to media like movies or images on the computer. I find hours can disappear fast as water down the plug-hole as I become totally immersed in looking through photos and artwork on the internet. Ask me to find an image on a theme I like and I’m kept entertained for hours, especially if it’s nature! That’s what happened when I had decided I needed a new website for my tantra work, One Heart Tantra. I was currently using a theme of a woman holding a red rose but wanted a change whilst still using a floral theme. I had settled on Orchids as my main theme, as I find them so exquisitely beautiful.
I LOVE nature and am constantly inspired by what I see, feel and interact with, whether that be trees, rocks, pieces of dead wood, stones, plants, water, animals, insects and of course, flowers. My task for the site was to find several orchid pictures. I’d already located the main picture, but I needed these for the 8-10 individual pages on the website.
So here I was, trawling through Google searches for Orchid photographs for hours over a three-day period. I knew it was obsessive behaviour; I could have been far more efficient with my time but I was totally hooked on these orchids. Continue reading →
“If your flame of awareness is burning bright, you will know that sex is not just sex. Sex is the outermost layer; deep inside is love, and even deeper is prayer, and deepest is God himself. Sex can become a cosmic experience; then it is tantra.” – Osho
Beyond our mind-made labels of who we think we are as sexual or spiritual entities, beyond our concepts of sexuality of straight, bi, gay or any other identification we have, is Love. Osho knew this and elegantly shared it in the quote above.
To know thyself as Love, both as an individual and as the One, is the realisation we long for, even we do not yet know it.
It takes a lot of self-trust and courage to really let go into ecstasy – and someone to hold their own heart-space as they give unconditionally to you. Continue reading →
In July 2004 I was staying on Bainbridge Island, WA as part of a 2 week trip I was making to be with Isaac. My mother had shortly passed and this trip had been postponed a couple of weeks so I could go to her funeral. It was my first time on Bainbridge and we stayed a couple of nights with a dear friend of Isaac’s, Sula who he had met in serendipitous circumstances. They hadn’t long known each other and yet were old soul friends who felt a familiar and loving connection with each other at a far deeper level than the few times they had spent together would normally suggest. Between Sula and I there was a deep connection too which beyond the personality level that I was open to knowing more about. Continue reading →
“There is a fountain inside you. Don’t walk around with an empty bucket.”
Truth expressed beautifully.
Yet I notice that we don’t actually walk around with an empty bucket, for that is far too painful for most people to do. In fact, we so hate that feeling of emptiness we will do anything to avoid it. We find anything and everything to fill ourselves up with – and if we can’t find something that works, we will invent it! How creative we are at a-void-dance!
Addictions are birthed from this compulsion to fill ourselves up, to avoid feeling the void we believe is within us. Yet rarely does it feel good for long; that portion of chips on the side used to fulfill us for far longer… that new phone should have made us feel much happier … now we are like spoiled children at Christmas or birthdays and our gratification is very short lived.
Gratification is not as gratifying as it used to be!
We have begun to realise that our buckets have a hole in them and no amount of effort to fill from outside will provide lasting fullness (fulfillment). We are facing a hopeless situation as no matter how we try to fix things we find we are thwarted at every move. Eventually we begin to understand that there is no real workable solution to this ‘problem’ – there’s a song that describes this well.
“There’s a Hole in My Bucket” is a children’s song. The song is based on a dialogue about a leaky bucket between two characters, Henry and Liza. The song describes a deadlock situation: Henry has got a leaky bucket, and Liza tells him to repair it. But to fix the leaky bucket, he needs straw. To cut the straw, he needs a knife. To sharpen the knife, he needs to wet the sharpening stone. To wet the stone, he needs water. However, when Henry asks how to get the water, Liza’s answer is “in a bucket”. It is implied that only one bucket is available — the leaky one, which, if it could carry water, would not need repairing in the first place (from Wikipedia).
Sooner or later the pain of hopelessness will dawn upon us and the frustration of trying to fill the bucket will cause us to stop and take account of what is happening in our lives; we find ourselves in a place of not knowing, of surrender to the situation and circumstances of life that we are unable to change by our own mechanisms. Without this pain we are rarely motivated to look inside… unless we feel it deeply we continue to look outside ourselves for salvation, be in relationship with another, food, more toys or a better place to live… etcetera, and to the point of ad nauseum! This is the point where we can choose though – we can choose to turn our gaze inwards and look within to fill the need for that gratification… it’s not a quick fix though – we won’t find any instant gratification because that is the realm of the subtle and imaginal so it will take some adjustment and process to appreciate the gifts here. It’s like having tabasco chili sauce on all your food and then stopping and eating your food without it. In the beginning you are not going to taste much and it will take a while for your taste buds to appreciate the natural flavour of food. Or having fireworks in the sky every night and then one day the fireworks stop and we are left with nothing but natural sounds and sights. It would feel strange and empty but sooner or later your ears and eyes would begin to notice things we couldn’t hear or see before and that increases day by day – we would soon notice that even those sounds and sights you thought were subtle and gross and you become aware of finer and finer sounds and experiences in the still quietude.
It’s the same when we turn our gaze away from the distractions. It is a deep alchemical process of self-care; – a journey into the unknown, through which we begin to understand and know ourselves as our own savior. Many times we will circle around and make this journey and each time we go deeper into ourselves we find our blocks and patterns repeating themselves and have to let go again and again, and usually this process is not pain-free but because the pain of resisting is now greater, we choose the sensible option and become sensitive to our self. Interestingly, the Italian word for’ sensitive’ is ‘sensible’. Language reveals so much if we just look at it from a slightly different slant.
All this looking outside and looking inside can be exhausting! We are swinging from one extreme to the other as balance will happen. It can help to make the swings shorter so that the balancing act does not create so many wild roller coaster experiences. Developing a daily practice of taking time for relaxing, for being quiet, meditation or time alone is essential. Remember, meditation does not have to look like the traditional way of sitting down and trying to still the mind (something I’ve struggled with for years). Meditation can be active and this would be far more effective than getting frustrated with failure at lotus position ‘I’m so peaceful’ type of thing when you clearly aren’t. Under the Tools/Resources section on this blog you’ll find an easy to follow method of meditation which I’ve developed called “Spherical Breathing” to assist in coming into centre and bringing about a more peaceful state of being. I’ve also made a short intro video which helps to demonstrate this technique and it’s suitable for anyone, even those with a very busy life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VM_muCU-9c
Simple things work best and you are far more likely to continue with them if they are not onerous. Taking 5 minutes to simply breathe and tune into your heart (Spirit) can be done anywhere, anytime, I find it helpful to do this when I get into my car and before driving off – even something so short will lead to a deeper and more peaceful existence. Connecting, walking in nature, especially around plants and trees has far more benefit than most people would give credit for. The effects are incremental and so if it doesn’t feel like you’re getting much benefit from it, try doing it for a few weeks and then stop and you will soon notice how less good you feel about yourself.
Nature is one of the best ways to remind us of our nature. Obvious really yet so many dismiss it because it doesn’t fill that void, it is too quiet and silent without enough distractions – maybe just plug the ears with music instead of feeling that emptiness! If we can just bear the discomfort for long enough we will become so much better at being human. We need to stop trying to avoid the un-comfortableness and just do something for ourselves … even 5-10 minutes makes a huge difference.
It is not what you do or how good you are at doing it. It is doing it that counts.
Seriously, a lot of folk get caught up with the perfection thing and give up in frustration because it’s not working the way they think it should. But that’s a common mistake because it’s not what or how well you can do your meditation or relaxation or breath-work that’s important as the most powerful part of doing it is the pure intention for self-care and carrying through with the physical doing-ness of it. That is by far the greatest part of any self-care practice. Once you start to practice self-care, the Universe shows up and creates more self-care and love for you, so it doesn’t matter in the slightest how perfect you now are at your breath-work exercises! No – the benefit is from your intention, and from your attention to whatever pulls you out of the present moment. Within this is the key to understanding our true nature, to knowing oneself.
There is also a deep wisdom to understanding that we do not need to repair our bucket, that we do not even need to fill it because we are never empty, we do not have a bucket, nor are we something to be filled, for it would be closer to the truth to say that we are simultaneously both the container and the water that fills it. We are not here to go with the flow, but to BE the flow. To know ourselves as the flow itself. There is not a moment when we are not the Source of All, so there cannot be a moment when we are empty of that – it just seems to be so sometimes. “There is a fountain inside of you” – well yes, because you are the fountain itself! Cease the activity of trying to fill up something that does not exist and you will know thyself to be the existence of All That Is.
I think we are meant to have a hole – we are holy (whole) exactly as we are.
As a dolphin once said to me “Turn yourself inside out Lynn”. We could not do this if we were not a hole. We are designed to be constantly turning inside out and outside in. There is nothing to fill. This is a source for contemplation, perhaps something to ponder on during a nice walk through the woods.
Be in peace, be in Love.
A diagram of a tube torus – said to be the shape of consciousness itself. For more on that visit:
I’m currently taking a longish break away from home, at the moment I’m on Bainbridge Island which is one of the islands in the Puget Sound close to Seattle, WA. It’s stunningly gorgeous here, a little gem of an island far removed from the usual mainland USA even though it is very close geographically. It’s a little sanctuary and in fact, I was told it was only used by the native Indian women and men did not set foot upon the island as it was deemed to be the place where women would go for their menstruation periods, and other feminine transformational & transitional experiences.
Apparently the only time men would come upon this island was for their first sexual initiation which was a sacred rite conducted by elder woman for the young men. How true any of this is I’m not sure, though I must say the island is certainly having an effect on me; I feel very held here and have deepened my appreciation and gratitude for our Mother and all the She represents to us.
As I’m writing this at 2pm on a sunny afternoon, there is a young male deer in the garden at the home I’m staying in; he seems quite unperturbed by my presence and I am able to go outside and just sit observing him. I’ve called him Eugene in honour of an animal totem vision I had many years ago in which I was approached by a young fawn, and on asking his name, he replied Eugene – which I did think was rather unusual!
This is my second visit to Bainbridge Island, I was first here back in 2004 when I was over from Scotland visiting my beloved Isaac in July of that year. We were doing a road trip, meeting some dear friends of his that he wanted me to meet. One of those was Sula. We visited with her for a couple of days and on our departure day we were sitting having breakfast at the Streamliner diner in Winslow, the main town on Bainbridge.
Isaac and Sula were chatting away after we ate and I allowed myself to drift off into a lovely soft state of consciousness (this was easy as I was almost constantly in a state of love-bliss the whole time I was with Isaac that trip). My eyes settled on a photograph picture on the wall of an American bald eagle. The photo was a close up of the bird’s head and shoulders, in semi profile.
This picture here is similar in energy though the pose is different – the one in the diner showed more of it’s shoulders and that gave me a different perspective. I’ve always loved eagles and hawks and whilst I see a fair number of hawks, my sightings of eagles have been limited to once or twice in Scotland where I’ve golden eagles, and also on a skiing trip in Nevada. I once saw a sea eagle which was so amazing.
The photo drew me in and I was totally absorbed… I began to feel that the bird was actually right there in the diner… the sounds of the diner and of Isaac and Sula chatting faded into the background and I began to experience myself as the bird. I could feel the haughty magnificence of the eagle, it’s detached attitude, or more like, it’s non-attached nature. I could feel the way my head moved on my neck, like stretching your head up and shoulders down and swiveling the head around. I felt the eagle’s strength and its ability to fly so powerfully and see from such a great distance… again, I felt the non-attached sovereign regal like haughtiness; not from it feeling superior to anything but simply it’s non-emotional nature, and it was at all not a cruel feeling. I felt I could see from such a high perspective, so totally non-attached, I felt such power course through my body and felt my eyes shoot out intense lightning like energy that was so piercing in it’s crystal clear clarity.
At the same time, I was also observing my experience and was totally amazed at it all, it was so fascinating to be able to experience even a little of what it was to be an eagle; I was literally awestruck and as I came out of the experience I was not able to share it with Isaac and Sula. I had to take some time to myself in the ladies room where I shed some tears at the sheer beauty of this bird and thanked the Source of Creation for my experience, and for gifting us the diversity of Earth’s nature.
I had another eagle experience later on that road-trip whilst we were driving down from spending a few hours up Mt Shasta in California. I was on the look for chipmunks (my God, how cute are they – I want one) which we don’t have in the UK and so didn’t notice a golden eagle soaring above. It swooped down and flew right over our car; Isaac saw it and said it was no more than a few feet above us. Though I didn’t actually see it, I could feel it’s HUGE presence and looked up and over at Isaac and said in awe “What on earth was that?”
To this day, when I tune in or see eagles, I can still feel some of that ‘eagle-ness’ in my body and whilst I have always loved and been called by eagles and hawks, I am now even more enchanted whenever I get the gift of seeing them.
My understanding of what happened was that I ‘merged’ energetically with the eagle or spirit of eagle and that anyone can do this with practise and intention. It happened spontaneously for me at that time and has not happened since with eagles, though it has with other life intelligence, such as flowers, or animals, insects etc. and this has happened in various differing ways, but always from a sense of total absorption and love. I wonder also if there was a memory of shape-shifting in this experience and if you wish to know more about what I mean I invite you to read the next part of the story which happened as we traveled down the Interstate 5 to Oregon… see Animals; Merging and Shape Shifting ~ July 2004 ~ Pacific North West USA