In the time of ages, space universal since the beginning of time – intertwined, intertwinned – never apart, never together…always apart, always together…
Magic runs through my veins, Love is in my arteries,
Fear resides where yet I must visit,
Beloved! Take me upon thy wings of consciousness so that I may return to my heart home,
Believe in me,
Weave me into being,
Let us be as One, Divine compliment,
Who am I to request such trust?
Put me to your test why don’t you?
In what forms shall I visit you?
I will overlight all those who come into your presence my Beloved,
Long have I dreamt of you as you have dreamt of me,
Parallel universes of experiences we have had, Back to back,
Dreaming of each other as first thee and then me,
Never both in the same place and time, Never meeting – always missing each other, Is it possible to miss that which you never had? Of course, for we are One, I was always forgetting, You were always forgiving. Thank you my Love, Make me whole – take me in and never let me go again, Forgiveness means forgetting ends, How may I serve thee Love?
“I am you and you are me and we are all together.” I am the Walrus, The Beatles (Lennon/McCartney)
She said, “I saw 2 different viewpoints or experiences. Was I having them both? Yet I feel I am really HER, and HE is the other experiencing me, as HER. Both having own experiences, yet twinned. Like a spinning coin, head and tails.” Splice, braid, weave together…and,
She realises, “I am made whole unto myself; a woman in form, whole and complete. Source in form, source incarnate. Walking on earth to carry full embodiment. It has come to pass. The journey is ended and yet it has just begun.”
Earlier this year I was surprised to feel the inner calling to return to the south of France. I’d thought I was finished with France. I was even more surprised to feel a connection again to Mary Magdalene as I was certain I’d left all that behind, never to be re-visited. Then the Cathars popped in too and all sorts of resonant information started collating itself in my close connections, social media, inboxes and other such places. As I said, I was very surprised to find this connection alive again because as far as I was concerned, I’d seen through all of the illusion and had no desire to get back involved with any of it again. I’d visited the area about 10 years previously and also in 2014 with a group. Though my time there in 2014 was incredibly awesome, there were other aspects that I’d come into realisation about afterwards that lead to me withdrawing energy from the stories and people of the area. I remember that even in 2014 I was surprised to hear from Magdalene again, as I hadn’t been feeling much of a connection for some years. Truly, it’s a living mystery how these things come about!
In late 2013, and early 2014, I’d had two ‘callings’ from Magdalene in connection with the south of France. As it turns out, so had my friend Deborah. She emailed me “Magdalene is calling me, fancy going to the south of France with me?” Deborah and I had re-connected in 2014 in Malta/Gozo after several years of little contact between us – but one thing is for certain with Deborah and me, every time we met it was extremely activating for us both.
“Magdalene’s been calling me too, so yes!” I somewhat bemusedly found myself saying. We decided to organise a retreat and blend that with private time. I felt like it must be in September. We called our retreat “Initiation” and all I can say is, it certainly was! One major factor in our retreat was to leave space for the Unknown (Divine Mother ) to come in – I was very sure of this aspect though Deborah less so, she was always happy to trust my intuitive hits. Here’s how we put it:
“Our theme for the weekend is “Initiation”. Our intention is to invite the serpent-light power of Kundalini to awaken. We will be the crucible for Gaia’s Fire and our instructor will be Gaia Herself. And this is the exploratory part… we don’t know precisely what She will bring forth!”
Little did we know what this was setting off for us, and that our individual and joint stories would weave unexpected and unknown paths. In fact, I wonder at my own inexperience looking back – boy have I had initiation after initiation since then! I have also discovered since that our story wove with that of the Cathars as well as that of Mary Magdalene. When we discovered that there was a Cathar cave experience that the Cathar Initiates took part in we decided we simply had to include the cave expedition which several retreat participants decided to join us in too. Because of the turns my life took that summer, I never did blog about the retreat, sites and caves we experienced so I’ll be including that later on, but for now I’m skipping ahead to the story of the 2015 retreat.
Looking through my journal for some notes, I came across this little piece I wrote a few months ago. It speaks of the experience of contraction after expansion. After the Ecstasy, the Laundry, as Jack Kornfield put it.
The dawn was grey and unpromising
Another one like so many before
Heavy was the first wave of weariness and with pain fast on its heels, it crashed once more onto my heart.
How much more I wondered.
How much more before I can take no more?
Following my plan for the morning, I went about my business not allowing complete despair to root in me again.
Reminding myself of that which I knew; it’s okay, just be with it, I sang to alieve the pain of dread. Could I ever hope that the shift would last?
Or am I doomed to be teased by Clearsight only to have it snatched away overnight?
He, who had done more than any human being to draw her out of the caves of her secret, folded life, now threw her down into deeper recesses of fear and doubt. The fall was greater than she had ever known, because she had ventured so far into emotion with him and had abandoned herself to it.―Anaïs Nin
It was one thing to be attacked by someone you hated, but this was something else. This was the kind of hurt that could only be inflicted by someone you loved, who you thought loved you. It was sort of like being stabbed from the inside out. —Ethan Wate, “Beautiful Darkness”
The highest, most decisive experience is to be alone with one’s own self. You must be alone to find out what supports you, when you find that you can not support yourself. Only this experience can give you an indestructible foundation. —C.G. Jung
A Dark Night is . . . a mental and emotional state of despair that arises when something is so painful that it blots out all other considerations and makes carrying on as usual out of the question. —Susan Piver
I wrote this short poem last year, at one of the peaks of despair after my relationship broke up. It yielded a massive break-through…though I had to go into the pain fully to experience it before it broke on the shores of truth.
The cry of darkness, the call of the wild, burning from my heart into yours. Shadows; dancing and chasing themselves into endless knots of stupidity in my mind. How can it be that I do not know?
Chasms open up into pain engulfing my very consciousness reminding me of my mortality and screaming like a banshee in a high wind I cry NO! there is no me that is threatened here.
“If your flame of awareness is burning bright, you will know that sex is not just sex. Sex is the outermost layer; deep inside is love, and even deeper is prayer, and deepest is God himself. Sex can become a cosmic experience; then it is tantra.” – Osho
Beyond our mind-made labels of who we think we are as sexual or spiritual entities, beyond our concepts of sexuality of straight, bi, gay or any other identification we have, is Love. Osho knew this and elegantly shared it in the quote above.
To know thyself as Love, both as an individual and as the One, is the realisation we long for, even we do not yet know it.
It takes a lot of self-trust and courage to really let go into ecstasy – and someone to hold their own heart-space as they give unconditionally to you. Continue reading →
“There is a fountain inside you. Don’t walk around with an empty bucket.”
Truth expressed beautifully.
Yet I notice that we don’t actually walk around with an empty bucket, for that is far too painful for most people to do. In fact, we so hate that feeling of emptiness we will do anything to avoid it. We find anything and everything to fill ourselves up with – and if we can’t find something that works, we will invent it! How creative we are at a-void-dance!
Addictions are birthed from this compulsion to fill ourselves up, to avoid feeling the void we believe is within us. Yet rarely does it feel good for long; that portion of chips on the side used to fulfill us for far longer… that new phone should have made us feel much happier … now we are like spoiled children at Christmas or birthdays and our gratification is very short lived.
Gratification is not as gratifying as it used to be!
We have begun to realise that our buckets have a hole in them and no amount of effort to fill from outside will provide lasting fullness (fulfillment). We are facing a hopeless situation as no matter how we try to fix things we find we are thwarted at every move. Eventually we begin to understand that there is no real workable solution to this ‘problem’ – there’s a song that describes this well.
“There’s a Hole in My Bucket” is a children’s song. The song is based on a dialogue about a leaky bucket between two characters, Henry and Liza. The song describes a deadlock situation: Henry has got a leaky bucket, and Liza tells him to repair it. But to fix the leaky bucket, he needs straw. To cut the straw, he needs a knife. To sharpen the knife, he needs to wet the sharpening stone. To wet the stone, he needs water. However, when Henry asks how to get the water, Liza’s answer is “in a bucket”. It is implied that only one bucket is available — the leaky one, which, if it could carry water, would not need repairing in the first place (from Wikipedia).
Sooner or later the pain of hopelessness will dawn upon us and the frustration of trying to fill the bucket will cause us to stop and take account of what is happening in our lives; we find ourselves in a place of not knowing, of surrender to the situation and circumstances of life that we are unable to change by our own mechanisms. Without this pain we are rarely motivated to look inside… unless we feel it deeply we continue to look outside ourselves for salvation, be in relationship with another, food, more toys or a better place to live… etcetera, and to the point of ad nauseum! This is the point where we can choose though – we can choose to turn our gaze inwards and look within to fill the need for that gratification… it’s not a quick fix though – we won’t find any instant gratification because that is the realm of the subtle and imaginal so it will take some adjustment and process to appreciate the gifts here. It’s like having tabasco chili sauce on all your food and then stopping and eating your food without it. In the beginning you are not going to taste much and it will take a while for your taste buds to appreciate the natural flavour of food. Or having fireworks in the sky every night and then one day the fireworks stop and we are left with nothing but natural sounds and sights. It would feel strange and empty but sooner or later your ears and eyes would begin to notice things we couldn’t hear or see before and that increases day by day – we would soon notice that even those sounds and sights you thought were subtle and gross and you become aware of finer and finer sounds and experiences in the still quietude.
It’s the same when we turn our gaze away from the distractions. It is a deep alchemical process of self-care; – a journey into the unknown, through which we begin to understand and know ourselves as our own savior. Many times we will circle around and make this journey and each time we go deeper into ourselves we find our blocks and patterns repeating themselves and have to let go again and again, and usually this process is not pain-free but because the pain of resisting is now greater, we choose the sensible option and become sensitive to our self. Interestingly, the Italian word for’ sensitive’ is ‘sensible’. Language reveals so much if we just look at it from a slightly different slant.
All this looking outside and looking inside can be exhausting! We are swinging from one extreme to the other as balance will happen. It can help to make the swings shorter so that the balancing act does not create so many wild roller coaster experiences. Developing a daily practice of taking time for relaxing, for being quiet, meditation or time alone is essential. Remember, meditation does not have to look like the traditional way of sitting down and trying to still the mind (something I’ve struggled with for years). Meditation can be active and this would be far more effective than getting frustrated with failure at lotus position ‘I’m so peaceful’ type of thing when you clearly aren’t. Under the Tools/Resources section on this blog you’ll find an easy to follow method of meditation which I’ve developed called “Spherical Breathing” to assist in coming into centre and bringing about a more peaceful state of being. I’ve also made a short intro video which helps to demonstrate this technique and it’s suitable for anyone, even those with a very busy life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VM_muCU-9c
Simple things work best and you are far more likely to continue with them if they are not onerous. Taking 5 minutes to simply breathe and tune into your heart (Spirit) can be done anywhere, anytime, I find it helpful to do this when I get into my car and before driving off – even something so short will lead to a deeper and more peaceful existence. Connecting, walking in nature, especially around plants and trees has far more benefit than most people would give credit for. The effects are incremental and so if it doesn’t feel like you’re getting much benefit from it, try doing it for a few weeks and then stop and you will soon notice how less good you feel about yourself.
Nature is one of the best ways to remind us of our nature. Obvious really yet so many dismiss it because it doesn’t fill that void, it is too quiet and silent without enough distractions – maybe just plug the ears with music instead of feeling that emptiness! If we can just bear the discomfort for long enough we will become so much better at being human. We need to stop trying to avoid the un-comfortableness and just do something for ourselves … even 5-10 minutes makes a huge difference.
It is not what you do or how good you are at doing it. It is doing it that counts.
Seriously, a lot of folk get caught up with the perfection thing and give up in frustration because it’s not working the way they think it should. But that’s a common mistake because it’s not what or how well you can do your meditation or relaxation or breath-work that’s important as the most powerful part of doing it is the pure intention for self-care and carrying through with the physical doing-ness of it. That is by far the greatest part of any self-care practice. Once you start to practice self-care, the Universe shows up and creates more self-care and love for you, so it doesn’t matter in the slightest how perfect you now are at your breath-work exercises! No – the benefit is from your intention, and from your attention to whatever pulls you out of the present moment. Within this is the key to understanding our true nature, to knowing oneself.
There is also a deep wisdom to understanding that we do not need to repair our bucket, that we do not even need to fill it because we are never empty, we do not have a bucket, nor are we something to be filled, for it would be closer to the truth to say that we are simultaneously both the container and the water that fills it. We are not here to go with the flow, but to BE the flow. To know ourselves as the flow itself. There is not a moment when we are not the Source of All, so there cannot be a moment when we are empty of that – it just seems to be so sometimes. “There is a fountain inside of you” – well yes, because you are the fountain itself! Cease the activity of trying to fill up something that does not exist and you will know thyself to be the existence of All That Is.
I think we are meant to have a hole – we are holy (whole) exactly as we are.
As a dolphin once said to me “Turn yourself inside out Lynn”. We could not do this if we were not a hole. We are designed to be constantly turning inside out and outside in. There is nothing to fill. This is a source for contemplation, perhaps something to ponder on during a nice walk through the woods.
Be in peace, be in Love.
A diagram of a tube torus – said to be the shape of consciousness itself. For more on that visit:
I’ve been away doing tantric sessions/massage with a friend who is also a trainee – something shifted in those few days… she got really ill on Sunday night and it looked like we might not be able to travel. It lifted long enough for us to get home, thank goodness, but it was a trial for both of us in our own ways. I got home and had a long bath chatting with my beloved… after I got out, I started trembling and thought it was lack of food and low blood sugar – which it partly was…. yet it continued even after I eat and drank, so i went upstairs to lie down. I tuned in and also again several times during the evening but all i got was something about ‘solar lions’. I also became aware that something much bigger than my own personal experience had happened during the time I was away and I can only describe it as our soul family had just gone through a major shamanic journey.
A friend in England texted me and said she had picked up something and asked if I was alright.
Later on, in bed, despite being extremely tired and not having slept well since I had left, I just couldn’t sleep and was trembling and shaky (this often indicates to me that something is trying to come through and that I’m not allowing it to) I again asked and finally I got a ‘message’ to get my pad and write, so I turned the light on and noticed it was almost midnight… almost Beltane.
It came through very quickly; it had been waiting for this exact moment when the clock ticked into the next day which, even before Beltane was named, is a day that is energetically open and aligned with the merging of male/female principles.
“An initiation. A marriage within the joining of the two forces of nature destined to be made whole, into oneness – inevitable because they cannot stay apart as they attract each other… because they are already one. Yet, until you stopped looking outside of yourself these two inner forces could not meet because they were committed to anothers forces… their docking stations were already occupied.”
“Solar Lion – will you marry yourself?” I answered “YES!” “Do you take yourself in full and whole Love?” Said I, “Yes I do, Yes I do… I Am whole and full of essence of unity of Love.”
“The Unity of Love
A Blessing given freely
To those of Faith
2012 is a year of Faith
Do not sway.”
Do a ceremony – invite in Spirit: angels, elemental energies etc. Wear something nice and gift yourself something as a token of marking this initiation… can be a bought thing or something given by nature. Bring some greenery into the house. Celebrate together.
It was also suggested that as I am already married that we look at our agreement and update it again because despite having done this previously, we are now different people – and do this prior to the inner marriage ceremony.
The word Beltane is thought to mean bright fire, white and shinning and fire is used to celebrate the waxing of the sun, giver of life.