Looking through my journal for some notes, I came across this little piece I wrote a few months ago. It speaks of the experience of contraction after expansion. After the Ecstasy, the Laundry, as Jack Kornfield put it.
The dawn was grey and unpromising
Another one like so many before
Heavy was the first wave of weariness and with pain fast on its heels, it crashed once more onto my heart.
How much more I wondered.
How much more before I can take no more?
Following my plan for the morning, I went about my business not allowing complete despair to root in me again.
Reminding myself of that which I knew; it’s okay, just be with it, I sang to alieve the pain of dread. Could I ever hope that the shift would last?
Or am I doomed to be teased by Clearsight only to have it snatched away overnight?
Introduction: I started writing a note to a dear friend who I had thought to send a bottle of an elixir I made last year, and as I wrote I got more and more information coming through, more insights and understanding – ‘it’ didn’t want to stop so I let it continue and it turned itself into this blog. I’ve made the photos large so they can easily be seen and tuned into, if you should so wish.
New Growth – An elixir of Scots Pine Needles and Cone Harvested in May/June 2016 in Flagmount, Co Clare, Ireland
In Co Clare last year walking around the local woods, I was called by plant and tree devas and encouraged to make a couple of potions in which their essence and also extract would be encapsulated, one of which was the magnificent Scots Pine.
The Scots Pine has always been a favourite of mine and long have I been captured by its majesty and presence. As a very young child I have vivid memories of them as I was captivated by pine forests both in the UK and in Mediterranean countries such as Italy, Yugoslavia or Spain where we’d chance upon a mountain forest at the side of the road, or be camping in amongst pines near the sea side. It is such a conspicuous tree, so distinctive and unlike most others around it. It is equally at home in mostly deciduous woods or amongst other firs and larch. I have admired the beautiful red colour of the bark, the bonsai type of growth, and the roots, the scent, the needles and the cones all seek to enchant me! It feels a very noble presence to me and in more recent years I’ve become aware of its loving and compassionate presence too. It speaks to me softly, to my heart, and it assists in releasing grief gently – if our heart is pining, it will help. It has a soft and warm unconditional love for humanity and seeks to help us in loving more. Pine is the gift that keeps on giving. They are kind to everyone and everything.
Once in West Cork, when I was out for a walk and it started to rain heavily, I wanted to connect with my favourite Pine (a huge lone pine in a forest of deciduous trees) but didn’t want to stay out in the cold rain without a jacket, so instead I touched in with the tree briefly and said I would connect remotely later on in my meditation. When I tuned in later the tree spirit immediately came through to me and touched my heart with such compassion that I could not hold onto the grief I was holding any longer. I cried for some time in the gentle embrace of love and support. Pine reminded me that Scots Pines are happy in amongst their own kind and also as a lone tree in woods of different species.
Two years later walking the woods in Co Clare I was fascinated by the new growth on the many Scots Pines. They were mostly young trees and vigorous in their growth with a few older ones around too. I spent a long time photographing them from different angles and as is usual for me, became somewhat engrossed (obsessed is more like it!) with them as I repeated this over many times over about a 10 day period. I spent time with them, I developed an emotional and mental sense of what they were demonstrating and I also began to get a sense of feeling in my body of the new growth. It was their gestalt, their gesture I was sensing as I merged with them day after day. I collected pieces of them and made tea from it which is very delicious and doesn’t taste at all as I would’ve thought, not a distinct pine taste but very sweet and fresh. (High Vitamin C content too.) I made tea for any visitor who was open enough to try it and in this everyday ritual we shared our stories of experiences with trees. One day, walking into the woods, a breeze arrived and I saw a large cloud leave a tree right in front of me! – it was pine pollen … I was breathing it in and being covered by it. It felt sensual, almost sexual – which of course it is, plant style.
Over this period, immersing myself in their presence and connecting in these ways, I was invited to collect specific pieces including a cone from which to make an extraction in alcohol. I was somewhat surprised at the invitation as I’d never considered making an essence or an extract before then. The day I collected the pieces I was felt incredibly alive and joyful. As I skipped about collecting bits and pieces, I found myself sensing their ‘function’ and what they were intimating/teaching/demonstrating.
I was sensing the new growth, the reaching out from the extremities of itself. It’s also about letting go of limited beliefs of what we think we know about growth and growing. The new growth is actually our Avant Garde, the first part to touch new experience. It is not the mature, seasoned growth that reaches out but the new, tender, young and bright green plant that touches the outer limits first…stretching outwards to claim more space, taking up more room, interacting with whatever is the new with the new growth. Supporting new vigorous yet tender growth and new growth supported by maturity – connecting and bridging between young and old, past and future. This may require some re-thinking on our part as our tendency could be to protect our new, fresh growth. However, this is a different kind of growth, to say, birthing a new baby or project; this is the type of growth that asks us to get naked to others before we are ready to get naked to ourself.
Whilst of course all plants do this new growth thing, Pine says it is part of their function to demonstrate and teach this. What I mean by this is that they are that function, and as such not separate from that function in any other lifeform. A couple of weeks later on I was visiting Glen Lyon in Perthshire, Scotland and travelled all the way along to almost the end where some of the old Caledonian Forest (the only ‘native planting’ in the British Isles) may still be found. The Pines are different here, the area looked almost surreal, there is an old aliveness here that speaks a different language, that of our origins. I found some beautiful trees to commune with here, and there was also a new area of mixed pine and larch I looked onto whilst sharing a picnic. I felt an immense surge of light and energy from here. I knew the frequencies of these trees and experiences would go into the elixir too.
Journeying Full Circle
After 6 years in Ireland, I moved back to Scotland in September of last year (2016) and I know now that Pine was there in the journeys I’ve taken throughout this period and in particular, was there preseeding and/or superseeding some very challenging changes which lead to me leaving West Cork to move to East Clare, and then a year later leaving Clare to come back to Scotland. A few weeks ago I unpacked the elixirs I made in East Clare and knew it was now time to take the Pine essence. As I said previously Pine is the gift that keeps on giving, and I’ve received so much more information and insights since then.
In my various times of communing with and questioning Pine regarding current circumstances and concerns, I was in turn invited to question myself:
“What brought me to this place and what do I wish to let go of in order to continue anew and without hindrance of the past trauma?”
“Where am I not taking up my true, given place and space?”
“How can I be both male + female unto myself?”
“What will I be seeding as I drop my cones of consciousness into the fertile soil?”
The pine cones take two years to open and seed – that is not a rushed business at all, and very few of those tree’s seeds will actually survive to grown into mature trees. But have noticed how many pine trees there are? There are so many that collectively they are extremely successful in seeding the (K)new.
Did you wonder about that k in brackets there? It seems to be that it’s only when we fully open to the ‘new’ that we realise the ‘new’ is really only what we knew all along and had only forgotten. We are being asked to open into a whole new way of being; one of infinite becoming: total refreshment in the moment, constantly making ourselves anew, reconstituting and reconstallating ourselves without even thinking about it. In deed, we can even forget the ‘re’ as this is such a knew way of being that there is no more ‘re’ hashing, re-membering, re-acting, re-cycling, re-freshment and so on. Simply put, it is a new in every moment. A new now now. Or, now a new now. There’s some fun to be had in saying that allowed.
Skeletons in the Closet
Everyone has skeletons in the closet. They are those parts of our big, huge, immense self we have rejected. So it is necessary to remember that all healing is not actually healing: it is integration of that which we sent off into the closet labelled ‘not acceptable’ and then forgot about the closet. We did this for one reason or another (all reasons are valid) and all reasons are ultimately simply our unawareness that we are in resistance to the flow of life. In perfect timing, not of the personalities making, we get opportunity after opportunity to discover that closet, and if we are then able to, we will find that when we open that closet that those rejected skeletons are very ready to be fleshed out anew.
But first they will scare the shit out of you! It’s exactly like in those movies where the unaware and unsuspecting person opens that door and those scary skeletons fall out onto them, clawing at their face and getting bony fingers tangled in their hair! They get me. every. single. time. That’s me freaking and shrieking there! It’s all okay though! In that closet is our closest self.
More Cool Pine Stuff
Though Pine is traditionally associated with the Winter Solstice, I have found that its teachings are more aligned the Summer Solstice, coming to me in late Spring, May and moving into June as preparation for the Solstice. It also comes to me earlier in Spring, just when the new growth is becoming more visible. At this time it can especially help with integration of new growth, and a renewal of belief in oneself – a springing forward from a new place of self worth.
In my emotions and body sense, I feel Pine helps with constrictions and tightness , grief, shame and guilt, fear of not being safe from persecution, helps us to move out into the world, how to be alone and with others, in Grace. Pine is helpful for those who are suffering from depression and despondency and can’t see a future for themselves. It’s helpful with lung issues and freeing up the rib cage to allow for expanded breath, assisting in making the rib cage more ‘springy’ and giving the diaphragm more space to move outwards rather than downwards, which gives the internal organs more space to be too.
This tree is a master of artful space management and journeying, both physically and metaphysically too of course, which is basically saying it’s a master of inter-dimension space – the space connection outer and inner dimensions, like a metaphysical intercoms device. As such it will be of great help in inter-dimension travel, time travel, dream-work, ancestral and shamanic work, astral projection, remote viewing, mediumship, divining, plant communication etc. Think in terms of bridges, any and all types of bridges and how and why bridges function, including quantum bridges, or worm holes, and paradoxically, think in terms of no bridges as Pine can help us take a quantum leap through the power of Faith. Because it functions as the journey and the path it can help us connect to our life’s work, our sole purpose or soul path.
Scots pine is unusual amongst conifers in having a number of different mature growth forms, ranging from tall and straight-trunked with few side branches, to broad, spreading trees with multiple trunks. Eleven different growth forms, or habit types, have been identified for Scots pine in Scotland – Treesforlife.org
Pine tells me that it can help us with our birth and death experiences, and can help us understand that these too are journeys from one state into another, as well as being endings and beginnings. It says that there is no ending without a beginning, and no beginning without an ending. In such evergreen wisdom we may soothe and calm that part of us that is terrified of dying. They (The Elementals) complete our picture (cycle) of what life really is, and in turn, we complete their picture … and that’s another interesting topic I’m going to explore some day.
As usual, I woke up this morning in fear. Actually, more accurately, what happens is that I awake, and then a few seconds later, I feel fearful. It’s not a huge, terrible fear; it’s a quiet, almost indiscernible fear. I’ve been aware of it for some years now and despite many attempts to root it out I still have it. Nowadays, I notice it more so because I get hot flashes due to menopausal symptoms – what happens with hot flashes for me is that if I have an anxious or fearful reaction to something, I then get a hot flash – it’s like a mild panic attack because the adrenaline is activated.
I used to think this morning fear was just fear at being here, on the planet and not feeling safe, not feeling at home here, so when I come out of sleep, awake and come back into my body, I then realise I am ‘here, and that’s enough to make me go into fear! Or so I thought. Recently though, I began to see that upon awakening, I am actually in my body and it is actually that realisation that causes me to feel fearful, and that’s what makes me to leave the body.
Quite an important distinction here as I had always thought we leave our body when we drop off to sleep. However that is not the whole story, and I think what really happens is that we have to fully come into our body in order to leave it! Not exactly sure how this works, but a theory would be that we have to fully ground into the body so that the part that leaves and merges can do so because it is still connected by the silver thread that has to be fully grounded.
Anyway, today was different because as I awoke in peace and moved into fear, I realised that the fear happens at the moment of realisation that I am separate … an individual person – because in sleep and for a few moments before I become aware, I must be knowing that I am not separate…otherwise, I would not have fear when I realise I am once again an individual.
This was a powerful realisation for me because whilst I have truly once or twice really known the words of Marianne Williamson, that we are in fear of our power, it was not something I had truly connected before. Here was another piece of the jigsaw puzzle falling into place. I feel fear because I am an individual. I dozed off again feeling content with this insight which nicely tied in with an experience I had last year about the power of fully individuating.
Awakening about an hour later, I was aware of hearing myself talk to myself… or perhaps it was a dream without a picture… like a soundtrack. I said “I want to be veiled.” Wow! Did I really hear myself saying that? “I want to be veiled!” I’ve never had a program reveal itself to me in this way before, yet I’m pretty sure it was my sub-conscious talking! Immediately I realised the importance of this on not just an individual but collective scale too. We are frightened of the power of women and so we veil them. Physically this happens in some countries, but it also happens energetically in many others. On another level it happens in each of us, whether male or female, as we each have equal masculine and feminine (yin and yang) whether we are a woman or a man. It also applies to the veil of illusion of this 3D ‘reality’ we live in. That veil is often called ‘Maya’ and it is what keeps us from knowing that we are not separate, but are One with All That Is. People who have psychic powers are able to see through the veil more than others and those who have done a lot of clearing* find that this also thins and
eventually removes this veil.
We in the West can often be heard criticising those countries that force their women to cover up and we cannot easily understand why some women actually say they like to wear the veil because they feel safer. They have this pattern more prominently than we do and as such display it for all of us to see. Each nation carries a piece of the shadow puzzle of human consciousness, and just as each region does, each city, town or village and family also does. Indeed, it continues right down to each individual and beyond.
What would happen if we as a whole could see this reflection as collective issue instead of judging? What happens when we see all human behaviour as a reflection of the collective rather than blaming the person as a being or even as their individual issues? To me this is incredibly exciting thing to explore, because despite being a fairly aware individual and intellectually understand this principle, it is another matter entirely to embody and experience the direct knowing of this truth and then to see the programme that I was running without knowing it was amazing.
Of course, I still had the programme to delete which I did and it’s likely that I won’t have seen the end of it because usually clearing limiting beliefs is not a one-off event but an on-going process. Yet, that experience of hearing myself say “I want to be veiled” was powerful in helping me to see how the collective consciousness works in the individual.
Releasing the fear of being seen is the next step – I’ve done a LOT of work on this already, believe me! There used to be a time that I literally became sick at the thought of speaking in a group – even imagining talking about myself and giving my name was enough to have me shaking with fear… and it was worse when the time came too! These days I am not so bad and most folks would have no idea just how desperately insecure and shy I once was, and still can be from time to time. It has never totally gone away and as I said before, it’s a work in progress releasing it.
I am reminded that compassion for self and others is imperative when doing the ‘work of the self’ and as we do this work as individual, it affects the whole, the collective, and anything that has been done, can be undone.
If you’d like to know more about the clearing* work I do for myself or are interested in arranging a session please contact me for further information- it is my delight to share this work with others so we can enjoy simply being ourselves. You can find the tool I used on the “Tools” page (Deleting DNA/Matrix Programmes)
*clearing is how I refer to the practice of rooting out that which is not helpful for our spiritual growth…
One night, in the sometimes passed, I wrote this. Some who know me may be quite astonished to read this, never having guessed I am anything other than the person they know me as. But I am a very private person… well, I was until very recently. It was a terrible night when I wrote this and now I’m glad I did put it to paper, though typing it out today does take my full attention to remain centered even now. It has brought me to a place of peace… a place where time has simply disappeared and there is only now. I called it Dark Knight because these aspects of us are incredibly dark but they also contain our salvation, if we could but see and accept it. The problem always must contain the solution… indeed, how could it be any other way?
I sit and ponder
the meaning of my life.
Why, is always the question with no answer. At least no adequate, lasting answer.
I ponder the inadequacies of myself. Always that unavoidable collision of despondency and depression which can only birth a new and fresh approach to inadequacy.
Only possible now to feel it even more deeply – even more ‘exquisitely’.
Exquisitely inadequate. Yes, that is me.
Deepening now, going further into the feeling.
Exquisitely inadequate… Yes, it has always been true!
Devotion to the cause will always pay dividends!
Searching, looking, seeing the feeling come to life.
Seemingly without end.
Exquisitely inadequate. No, it is not a happy feeling this one, taking me backwards through time, evaluating, judging … then condemning myself.
Tomorrow will be no better.
Changing now, for the sake of sanity, pretending that this too shall pass. Too scared to be what I desire, endlessly comparing myself to others. They are good, they are bad… they are better, they are worse…
Always, inevitably ending in exquisite inadequacy.
Desire, death, destruction… feelings flitter by. Some take root and grow, tying me into an endless cycle of ego driven morality. Tasting like honey at first but soon that too falls away… leaving only the bitter taste of disgust and the anguish of exquisite inadequacy.
Self-doubt insidiously gnawing its way through my consciousness once more. It knows where to go – the path long since worn into patterns of belief within.
Within, a half-existence.
A Half-hope, a hidden hope… secret, not daring to emerge …too precious to examine.
Once more dashed, destroyed ‘forgotten’ as the sensation of being exquisitely inadequate re-asserts its forbidden hold once more.
No need to explain.
Very necessary to hide.
Keeping it very secret.
Will it always be like this?
The beauty of life lies beyond belief… the terrible heat of the words arises and they quickly burn themselves into my mind; a black fear spreading quickly throughout my consciousness.
Too late now for peace. Going deeper now into darkness – what else is there to feel? Nothing now is left – passing obliquely away.
Leaving only an open wound. Unable to heal myself.
Beyond life lies the beauty of belief.
Beyond belief beauty lies.
and beauty always lies…
No More. No More. No More.
What choice is available really for the inadequate self?