This is a realisation, and it’s a conversation I had with myself on 15 August 2015. I’ve written it exactly as I experienced it and have ignored the impulse to make changes to make it make more ‘sense’. It is as I heard and experienced it and in the moment it made perfect sense. Although I’ve used the term ‘you’ it is not directed at YOU, but a conversation with myself. I added a bit of an explanation about the game being fun as I know my reaction can often be how is the game fun when there is so much suffering. Lynn
MIND THE GAP!
We are wave and particle ~ blinking in and out of existence, first one, then the other:
Blinking in and out of existence, forgetting I am one when I’m the other. One moment I am this, and then in the next, I am that. When I am this, I have forgotten I am that. When I am that, I have forgotten I am this. It is in the blink of the I (Aye) that forgetting happens – the gap between this and that. The crack in the paving. Mind the gap.
Let me show you how to remember you are not one or the other; you are I and the other.
The journey into Solace (Soulace) begins by being willing to take the first step. There is really only ever one step. One step is all it ever takes. If you truly believe you have taken more than one step, then there is something you have missed; you’ve either left it behind or sent it ahead of yourself, or shunted it to the side. You’ve fallen out of step. There is only one step – it is whole and complete in itself.
What happens when one is fully cognitive of and in each moment? Well, then there is truly only one moment, over and over again. Peace in fact. When one is not fully cognitive in the moment, the moment is fragmented, and one is in pieces, to the exact degree of not being fully cognitive. The moment when you cannot be fully cognitive is going to have to be experienced ‘again’.
Existence and non-existence is simply about where we place focus. If we are able to focus on both this and that in the same moment, on both wave and particle, then the game of duality is up.
But it is such a delicious game! What fun! First I’m this, then I’m that! How could this not be fun? Have I forgotten how to have fun? Why am I trying to be one thing or the other? Be both. Be the cake, AND eat it too.*
Language is both the separator and that which it is separated from.
You are I, 1, and the other.
*In this world of great pain and suffering, which as an empathic person I feel very deeply, I was made very aware that having a sense of fun, taking oneself lightly and laughing often is indeed a great antidote to the terrible seriousness and suffering of the world. It is not to be dismissed as either thoughtless, harsh, unkind nor flippant. The forgetting of fun is indeed part of the root cause of the suffering. Fun and kindness go hand in hand. People who laugh have open hearts, especially those who are able to laugh for no reason at all. Laughter builds bridges between one heart and another. The message that was imparted to me left me in no doubt that the simple truth is that fun and laughter, a childlike innocence, is the key to self-realization and a joyful and very engaging life experience. It what we were created for.
I wrote this short poem last year, at one of the peaks of despair after my relationship broke up. It yielded a massive break-through, though I had to go into the pain fully to experience it before it broke on the shores of truth.
The cry of darkness, the call of the wild, burning from my heart into yours. Shadows; dancing and chasing themselves into endless knots of stupidity in my mind. How can it be that I did not know?
Chasms open up into pain engulfing my very consciousness reminding me of my mortality and screaming like a banshee in a high wind. I cry NO! there is no me that is threatened here!
He, who had done more than any human being to draw her out of the caves of her secret, folded life, now threw her down into deeper recesses of fear and doubt. The fall was greater than she had ever known, because she had ventured so far into emotion with him and had abandoned herself to it.―Anaïs Nin
It was one thing to be attacked by someone you hated, but this was something else. This was the kind of hurt that could only be inflicted by someone you loved, who you thought loved you. It was sort of like being stabbed from the inside out. —Ethan Wate, “Beautiful Darkness”
The highest, most decisive experience is to be alone with one’s own self. You must be alone to find out what supports you, when you find that you can not support yourself. Only this experience can give you an indestructible foundation. —C.G. Jung
A Dark Night is . . . a mental and emotional state of despair that arises when something is so painful that it blots out all other considerations and makes carrying on as usual out of the question. —Susan Piver
A continuation of musings in the same vein or theme as the previous blog, The Hidden Beloved.
The ordinary self is not good enough. So I try to make it other. I try to make other myself. I try to impose a shinier version. I yearn to be this big shining star. I effort to find something that I am. I see an angel and think; maybe I am that still waiting to be discovered! Special, different, better, worse… all impossible. The more I want to be special the further I take myself away from truth. The more I set myself aside from ‘others’ the lonelier I become. I belie I am different in my suffering – no one can understand. I get the pleasure of the martyr which is no more than the pain of separation. Separating myself and negating the self are the same thing/action. That I can be different, special, above everyone else was the promise and lie for I can no more be above than below. But I can choose to experience them separately. By separating myself I can choose to split the whole into two. Or at least experience it as such. But even oneness is imaginary surely? Still, it will do for now as it’s impossible to imagine nothingness, and I need some context for to have no belief also seems impossible. In exploring this unveiling the fairy story of the Emperor’s New Clothes came to mind.
I’ve written a new twist on the story. His story, the Emperor’s. And I cannot quite believe that a brief search just now on the old fairy story of The Emperor’s New Clothes is now all about Russell Brand’s new film which is all over the news today!!! – Seriously, I don’t keep up with the media and had no idea when I started writing this several days ago. Just goes to show there is no separation, though in the case of Russell Brand, I wouldn’t mind the illusion. But onwards with the new take on an old story:
The Emperor’s New Clothes
The Emperor believed he could separate himself and be above everyone else. Despite his ever increasing attempts to make himself special, this always failed to make it so, and he became a bit depressed and sometimes a little angry with himself, and drove himself harder and harder to achieve the impossible. He decided to commission a new set of clothes that would finally distinguish himself from everyone else in the crowd on the great day of showing off. The news spread far and wide. Clothes made, dawned the day.
Huge crowds turned out despite the rather cloudy cool day. Most were wearing their sheepskins to keep insulated from the reality of that. And of course, consensus reality meant all had already agreed to see what they were conditioned to see and forget that they had agreed in the first place, leaving them thinking they had a separate mind from everyone else, yet all happy to act the same anyway.
Except for a young child in the crowd outside the palace where the Emperor paraded. This youngster was not conditioned or socialised, and some might call that wild or innocent. The child saw the truth, that the Emperor was not wearing any clothes. In fact, his desire to transform into someone better created the inevitable –it happened. But not in the way he thought he wanted of course as he literally got naked to others before he was ready to get naked to himself! And it turned out that these clothes did the opposite of what he had tried to do; they did not provide a barrier to oneness at all.
As the child spoke up, the spell was broken and others saw through the eyes of innocence and the lies of better or worse than were exposed, just like the Emperor was. Right there, in that moment, the crowd had a chance to stop the game and get naked too, but instead they chose to continue the game of duality, and chose the ‘better than’ role and ridiculed and shamed the Emperor for his pride. Shame and pride are of course opposites in the world of make-believe.
The Emperor also had a choice in that moment as to continue the ‘make-believe’ game or not. But heck, he was already completely bollocks naked, how much worse could it get???
He too saw through the eyes of the child and through the lies of the game and went to the child and thanked him for showing him the truth. In doing so he simply swallowed and digested his pride which immediately gave him a huge sense of freedom and relief, plus a lot of ‘new’ energy to use. His nakedness revealed his natural humanity which is quite harmless really, and so pretty soon no one was afraid of him being better than they any more. In fact, everyone stripped off as the sun came out, the day became warm, people jumped into the fountains, splashing happily as others rushed off in great excitement to prepare a great feast.
And they all lived eternally ever after. Though as humans, it was inevitable that the next day some were hungover as they were not quite ready to embrace the new and simpler way yet.
“If your flame of awareness is burning bright, you will know that sex is not just sex. Sex is the outermost layer; deep inside is love, and even deeper is prayer, and deepest is God himself. Sex can become a cosmic experience; then it is tantra.” – Osho
Beyond our mind-made labels of who we think we are as sexual or spiritual entities, beyond our concepts of sexuality of straight, bi, gay or any other identification we have, is Love. Osho knew this and elegantly shared it in the quote above.
To know thyself as Love, both as an individual and as the One, is the realisation we long for, even we do not yet know it.
It takes a lot of self-trust and courage to really let go into ecstasy – and someone to hold their own heart-space as they give unconditionally to you. Continue reading →
“There is a fountain inside you. Don’t walk around with an empty bucket.”
Truth expressed beautifully.
Yet I notice that we don’t actually walk around with an empty bucket, for that is far too painful for most people to do. In fact, we so hate that feeling of emptiness we will do anything to avoid it. We find anything and everything to fill ourselves up with – and if we can’t find something that works, we will invent it! How creative we are at a-void-dance!
Addictions are birthed from this compulsion to fill ourselves up, to avoid feeling the void we believe is within us. Yet rarely does it feel good for long; that portion of chips on the side used to fulfill us for far longer… that new phone should have made us feel much happier … now we are like spoiled children at Christmas or birthdays and our gratification is very short lived.
Gratification is not as gratifying as it used to be!
We have begun to realise that our buckets have a hole in them and no amount of effort to fill from outside will provide lasting fullness (fulfillment). We are facing a hopeless situation as no matter how we try to fix things we find we are thwarted at every move. Eventually we begin to understand that there is no real workable solution to this ‘problem’ – there’s a song that describes this well.
“There’s a Hole in My Bucket” is a children’s song. The song is based on a dialogue about a leaky bucket between two characters, Henry and Liza. The song describes a deadlock situation: Henry has got a leaky bucket, and Liza tells him to repair it. But to fix the leaky bucket, he needs straw. To cut the straw, he needs a knife. To sharpen the knife, he needs to wet the sharpening stone. To wet the stone, he needs water. However, when Henry asks how to get the water, Liza’s answer is “in a bucket”. It is implied that only one bucket is available — the leaky one, which, if it could carry water, would not need repairing in the first place (from Wikipedia).
Sooner or later the pain of hopelessness will dawn upon us and the frustration of trying to fill the bucket will cause us to stop and take account of what is happening in our lives; we find ourselves in a place of not knowing, of surrender to the situation and circumstances of life that we are unable to change by our own mechanisms. Without this pain we are rarely motivated to look inside… unless we feel it deeply we continue to look outside ourselves for salvation, be in relationship with another, food, more toys or a better place to live… etcetera, and to the point of ad nauseum! This is the point where we can choose though – we can choose to turn our gaze inwards and look within to fill the need for that gratification… it’s not a quick fix though – we won’t find any instant gratification because that is the realm of the subtle and imaginal so it will take some adjustment and process to appreciate the gifts here. It’s like having tabasco chili sauce on all your food and then stopping and eating your food without it. In the beginning you are not going to taste much and it will take a while for your taste buds to appreciate the natural flavour of food. Or having fireworks in the sky every night and then one day the fireworks stop and we are left with nothing but natural sounds and sights. It would feel strange and empty but sooner or later your ears and eyes would begin to notice things we couldn’t hear or see before and that increases day by day – we would soon notice that even those sounds and sights you thought were subtle and gross and you become aware of finer and finer sounds and experiences in the still quietude.
It’s the same when we turn our gaze away from the distractions. It is a deep alchemical process of self-care; – a journey into the unknown, through which we begin to understand and know ourselves as our own savior. Many times we will circle around and make this journey and each time we go deeper into ourselves we find our blocks and patterns repeating themselves and have to let go again and again, and usually this process is not pain-free but because the pain of resisting is now greater, we choose the sensible option and become sensitive to our self. Interestingly, the Italian word for’ sensitive’ is ‘sensible’. Language reveals so much if we just look at it from a slightly different slant.
All this looking outside and looking inside can be exhausting! We are swinging from one extreme to the other as balance will happen. It can help to make the swings shorter so that the balancing act does not create so many wild roller coaster experiences. Developing a daily practice of taking time for relaxing, for being quiet, meditation or time alone is essential. Remember, meditation does not have to look like the traditional way of sitting down and trying to still the mind (something I’ve struggled with for years). Meditation can be active and this would be far more effective than getting frustrated with failure at lotus position ‘I’m so peaceful’ type of thing when you clearly aren’t. Under the Tools/Resources section on this blog you’ll find an easy to follow method of meditation which I’ve developed called “Spherical Breathing” to assist in coming into centre and bringing about a more peaceful state of being. I’ve also made a short intro video which helps to demonstrate this technique and it’s suitable for anyone, even those with a very busy life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VM_muCU-9c
Simple things work best and you are far more likely to continue with them if they are not onerous. Taking 5 minutes to simply breathe and tune into your heart (Spirit) can be done anywhere, anytime, I find it helpful to do this when I get into my car and before driving off – even something so short will lead to a deeper and more peaceful existence. Connecting, walking in nature, especially around plants and trees has far more benefit than most people would give credit for. The effects are incremental and so if it doesn’t feel like you’re getting much benefit from it, try doing it for a few weeks and then stop and you will soon notice how less good you feel about yourself.
Nature is one of the best ways to remind us of our nature. Obvious really yet so many dismiss it because it doesn’t fill that void, it is too quiet and silent without enough distractions – maybe just plug the ears with music instead of feeling that emptiness! If we can just bear the discomfort for long enough we will become so much better at being human. We need to stop trying to avoid the un-comfortableness and just do something for ourselves … even 5-10 minutes makes a huge difference.
It is not what you do or how good you are at doing it. It is doing it that counts.
Seriously, a lot of folk get caught up with the perfection thing and give up in frustration because it’s not working the way they think it should. But that’s a common mistake because it’s not what or how well you can do your meditation or relaxation or breath-work that’s important as the most powerful part of doing it is the pure intention for self-care and carrying through with the physical doing-ness of it. That is by far the greatest part of any self-care practice. Once you start to practice self-care, the Universe shows up and creates more self-care and love for you, so it doesn’t matter in the slightest how perfect you now are at your breath-work exercises! No – the benefit is from your intention, and from your attention to whatever pulls you out of the present moment. Within this is the key to understanding our true nature, to knowing oneself.
There is also a deep wisdom to understanding that we do not need to repair our bucket, that we do not even need to fill it because we are never empty, we do not have a bucket, nor are we something to be filled, for it would be closer to the truth to say that we are simultaneously both the container and the water that fills it. We are not here to go with the flow, but to BE the flow. To know ourselves as the flow itself. There is not a moment when we are not the Source of All, so there cannot be a moment when we are empty of that – it just seems to be so sometimes. “There is a fountain inside of you” – well yes, because you are the fountain itself! Cease the activity of trying to fill up something that does not exist and you will know thyself to be the existence of All That Is.
I think we are meant to have a hole – we are holy (whole) exactly as we are.
As a dolphin once said to me “Turn yourself inside out Lynn”. We could not do this if we were not a hole. We are designed to be constantly turning inside out and outside in. There is nothing to fill. This is a source for contemplation, perhaps something to ponder on during a nice walk through the woods.
Be in peace, be in Love.
A diagram of a tube torus – said to be the shape of consciousness itself. For more on that visit:
A bit of rain is falling this morning, and being a bit of a fair weather freak, I wonder how wet I will get if I go for my walk. I go anyway and find it soft and gently warm outside. Contrast to yesterday when it was so bright.. today I find myself more introverted and feel that instead of looking for something, I will let things comes to me instead.
I set off up the wee road and before going far realise that I have a script running in my head.. it’s like I’m rehearsing for this blog…. like a fly on the wall documentary… jeez – it’s just a blog for God’s sake! Why do I get into this energy of contriving so easily? I resolve to set it aside and continue.
It comes back very quickly and I catch myself plotting what I will say in the blog. I have to laugh at myself really – fighting with this will only produce more of it. I let go again and decide to take another path in the woods. A few yards further and I come across this little scene:
I consider the merits of taking photos of this to share. I take them anyway – after all, the idea is to share what I find interesting on my walk. I could do with being less interested in the value of something, I thought.
I moved closer to the little woodland hide-away, fascinated by the consciousness that would think to drag a metal barrier fence, a traffic cone and other bits and pieces into the woods to construct a habitat (of sorts):
I checked out the empty beer cans… a picture started forming in my head, the chairs are side-by-side facing a pallet, behind which were more than a few empty beer cans. Only the TV was missing.
I contemplated on the desire, the effort and the people who constructed this and spent time here. A fair amount of effort was needed. But why want to be in the woods and then leave your trash around? Pondering on these simple questions could reveal much about the workings of human consciousness and the state of the world. I’m not judging, I’m wondering, pondering and contemplating as I find it fascinating to unravel the workings of the mind.
I left the little domestic scene and continued. The path ran out and I had to make a new one, feeling slightly guilty about trampling the bluebells as I went. I blessed them. These woods are extraordinary to me – for some reason I am so enamoured by so may different things here… it’s impossible agin to stick with only taking 4 photos so I revise my commitment and think perhaps I will just do the blog once a week instead and include more photos.
I took another new path off the main path… it went sharply uphill. It came to a point where it split. like a Nexus,, with many paths going in many directions… I followed one which finished in this little sweet space. I was sure I could hear the fairies singing…
I came out off the woods at a different point on the road – a place where one of the house-owners has garden-ized a bit of the land at the side of the road. This tree made me stop and my resolve melted. I took its picture. The little plants growing on it are Penny Wort, or Navel Wort (they look like tummy buttons) and they are edible, in a salad, with a slight mushroomy flavour and like a succulent.. very juicy.
In the shower I was thinking about values and our habit of placing a value on everything. I wondered about all the stuff we own, all the things, the experiences, the teachings, the give-aways. I wondered if we value anything we don’t need.
My mind wandered to an instance where I gave-away some energetic tools as an experiment to see if other people found them useful. I was pretty sure they weren’t being used still. Something arose in me that was uncomfortable but I couldn’t place it… just couldn’t see what it was but it caused my adrenals to kick in (this is what happens to me now-a-days… due to menopause I suspect and a refining, a re-defining of my energies, I get a reaction in my body that is in direct relation to something that I have thought or seen. My inner interpretation, or filter system recognises it and it is interpreted as a threat. I’m taking measures to address it.) It was about the value or interest in things… like this blog – truly it could only be interesting and of value as long as I was not trying to make it so. The moment we try to make something in a particular way, the purity is lost and the thing is now less than it could have been.
What if I were to simply let go of any idea of value or worth … to stop looking at things or people, or experiences and assigning a perceived value to it? I suspect peace is the answer.
And, isn’t it interesting how we have constructed a world wher value is everything: “How much is he worth?” is a common question.. “He’s worth a fortune”… Is he now???
“How do you earn your living?” (You mean we have to pay to be here? Why?)
And isn’t it interesting that we call the value of money charged as ‘interest’ when we loan or borrow it?
As usual, I woke up this morning in fear. Actually, more accurately, what happens is that I awake, and then a few seconds later, I feel fearful. It’s not a huge, terrible fear; it’s a quiet, almost indiscernible fear. I’ve been aware of it for some years now and despite many attempts to root it out I still have it. Nowadays, I notice it more so because I get hot flashes due to menopausal symptoms – what happens with hot flashes for me is that if I have an anxious or fearful reaction to something, I then get a hot flash – it’s like a mild panic attack because the adrenaline is activated.
I used to think this morning fear was just fear at being here, on the planet and not feeling safe, not feeling at home here, so when I come out of sleep, awake and come back into my body, I then realise I am ‘here, and that’s enough to make me go into fear! Or so I thought. Recently though, I began to see that upon awakening, I am actually in my body and it is actually that realisation that causes me to feel fearful, and that’s what makes me to leave the body.
Quite an important distinction here as I had always thought we leave our body when we drop off to sleep. However that is not the whole story, and I think what really happens is that we have to fully come into our body in order to leave it! Not exactly sure how this works, but a theory would be that we have to fully ground into the body so that the part that leaves and merges can do so because it is still connected by the silver thread that has to be fully grounded.
Anyway, today was different because as I awoke in peace and moved into fear, I realised that the fear happens at the moment of realisation that I am separate … an individual person – because in sleep and for a few moments before I become aware, I must be knowing that I am not separate…otherwise, I would not have fear when I realise I am once again an individual.
This was a powerful realisation for me because whilst I have truly once or twice really known the words of Marianne Williamson, that we are in fear of our power, it was not something I had truly connected before. Here was another piece of the jigsaw puzzle falling into place. I feel fear because I am an individual. I dozed off again feeling content with this insight which nicely tied in with an experience I had last year about the power of fully individuating.
Awakening about an hour later, I was aware of hearing myself talk to myself… or perhaps it was a dream without a picture… like a soundtrack. I said “I want to be veiled.” Wow! Did I really hear myself saying that? “I want to be veiled!” I’ve never had a program reveal itself to me in this way before, yet I’m pretty sure it was my sub-conscious talking! Immediately I realised the importance of this on not just an individual but collective scale too. We are frightened of the power of women and so we veil them. Physically this happens in some countries, but it also happens energetically in many others. On another level it happens in each of us, whether male or female, as we each have equal masculine and feminine (yin and yang) whether we are a woman or a man. It also applies to the veil of illusion of this 3D ‘reality’ we live in. That veil is often called ‘Maya’ and it is what keeps us from knowing that we are not separate, but are One with All That Is. People who have psychic powers are able to see through the veil more than others and those who have done a lot of clearing* find that this also thins and
eventually removes this veil.
We in the West can often be heard criticising those countries that force their women to cover up and we cannot easily understand why some women actually say they like to wear the veil because they feel safer. They have this pattern more prominently than we do and as such display it for all of us to see. Each nation carries a piece of the shadow puzzle of human consciousness, and just as each region does, each city, town or village and family also does. Indeed, it continues right down to each individual and beyond.
What would happen if we as a whole could see this reflection as collective issue instead of judging? What happens when we see all human behaviour as a reflection of the collective rather than blaming the person as a being or even as their individual issues? To me this is incredibly exciting thing to explore, because despite being a fairly aware individual and intellectually understand this principle, it is another matter entirely to embody and experience the direct knowing of this truth and then to see the programme that I was running without knowing it was amazing.
Of course, I still had the programme to delete which I did and it’s likely that I won’t have seen the end of it because usually clearing limiting beliefs is not a one-off event but an on-going process. Yet, that experience of hearing myself say “I want to be veiled” was powerful in helping me to see how the collective consciousness works in the individual.
Releasing the fear of being seen is the next step – I’ve done a LOT of work on this already, believe me! There used to be a time that I literally became sick at the thought of speaking in a group – even imagining talking about myself and giving my name was enough to have me shaking with fear… and it was worse when the time came too! These days I am not so bad and most folks would have no idea just how desperately insecure and shy I once was, and still can be from time to time. It has never totally gone away and as I said before, it’s a work in progress releasing it.
I am reminded that compassion for self and others is imperative when doing the ‘work of the self’ and as we do this work as individual, it affects the whole, the collective, and anything that has been done, can be undone.
If you’d like to know more about the clearing* work I do for myself or are interested in arranging a session please contact me for further information- it is my delight to share this work with others so we can enjoy simply being ourselves. You can find the tool I used on the “Tools” page (Deleting DNA/Matrix Programmes)
*clearing is how I refer to the practice of rooting out that which is not helpful for our spiritual growth…