The time has come for me to move away from this beautiful sanctuary of Courtmacsherry in West Cork. It’s gifted so much to me and taken so much from me. It has held me through a deep transition and becoming. On 13th April, exactly one month after I had a major revealation on my birthday which showed me how I must first choose myself and then all other choices/decisions/thinking becomes obsolete, I had another vision and saw my next steps. My heart called me to write; to move to Co Clare or Galway for 3-4 months and empty myself of the past 15 years of life and learning. In that moment I knew I wanted to give up tantra, sacred sexuality work, ‘healing’ work, sessions, groups, retreats …all of it.
I saw how easily I could give up the house here, and my stuff, and move away. I saw how my reasons for staying here were nothing but excuses justifying staying put. In another reality, which I found myself in the very next day, things didn’t look quite so simple! But I knew I had to act as if I were still in that vision of freedom.
Over the past month the integration that has taken place through extreme intensity and the deepest fears. I’ve gained clarity through healing, self-care and the integration of those experiences and those since my relationship broke up back in July. It’s almost been a whole year since then, and when that year completes itself, I can feel now that I will be in a very different place, both physically and metaphorically.
I gained much clarity on the tantra and healing work and since I pulled out completely which included cancelling events and the women’s circles. It was very clear to me that any remaining ideas or concepts I had of healing or therapy were no longer appropriate or useable. Since giving it up I have seen where and how I was embroiled, and saw through my own expectations and my need to give, and my need to take. Once I’d seen that I knew it was okay to work with a select number of clients providing It didn’t interfere with my writing and other priorities. Now I am working with a few clients with whom it’s possible to work with in a new and clearer way without expectations, obligations or other entanglements which inevitably crept into sessions in the past. It’s freer, easier, and more delightful ~ it’s an innocent pure expression of being. And of course, the ‘work’ has become more powerful simply because all the ‘trying’ has been lifted away – no more pressure to perform! (I’m walking my own talk – see my blog: http://www.onehearttantra.com/blog/are-all-those-ps-making-you-miserable)
I’ve had so much cool shit happen over the years, so many mystical and magical experiences, deep wisdom, revealations and insights, but also terror and at times misery, constant anxiety and fear of failure, heart ache and falling in love, finding myself in love too.
I’ve worked with pecu-liar self-proclaimed masters, worked with many awesome teachers and healers, met and said goodbye to so many soul-mates, friends and lovers and through it all have recognised the many and varying roles we play out for each other, over and over again – those which I experienced the deepest, most profound joy and love with were the same ones I experienced the deepest and more terrible grief and sadness with. It’s not personal; it’s simply the way of it until I learn to choose myself, for myself, in every moment, in every sense, in every way.
I’ve learned about energy management, how we give and take power from each other and why we do that. I’ve given away more power than water goes over Niagara Falls in a year. And taken just as much! I’m learning a new way of being, I’ve owned my longings and yearnings and stopped expecting someone else to make me unhappy. And I’ve stopped looking for them to make me happy too J. I’ve given up on my dreams of how my future should, or will be and come into a place of not knowing, again and again. I’ve been angry, mad, sad, bad, awful, controlling, manipulative, horrible, terrified, scared, afraid, courageous, brave, stupid, sensible, sensitive, generous, mean, medium, shamed, blamed and guilt-ridden. I’ve hated and mated, been high and low, hot and cold, black and white, here and there, back and forth and round and round. I’ve become aware of playing and being played, both victim and abuser equally, to exactly the same degree and intensity of each role. I’ve discovered how the mechanics of karma operate, seen the hidden power behind the sun and seen deeply into the addiction of doing and the diseases of society such as the Saviour-Martyr program and the false masculine and feminine archetypes.
I can’t wait till I have it ready to share with you! Except I have to cos it’s not written yet…
Actually I started this as a Facebook post as an infomercial to announce the sale of treasured items and ex-belongings – both as I could use some cash to fund my writing retreat, and also to give a little to help in Nepal. I’ll gift 25% of proceeds to an awesome local charity called “just-one” (see below for information on the organisation).
I’ve sacred geometry, costume and crystal jewellery, Buddhist statues of Tara’s and Ganesh, clothes, handbags, shoes, pictures, books, dvd’s, some household and other bits and pieces– all in good condition as I look after my stuff so well – so watch the Facebook space as it’ll be happening very soon both on location and on Facebook.
June Exchange Offer for Helping
It would be nice to have some help with packing and moving preparations. If you fancy a part holiday here from a few days to a week or longer in exchange for some time helping me pack etc. then I’d love to hear from you. Equally, I am open to exchanging teaching and tantra for your assistance. Whichever it is, I’m looking for someone who is grounded and responsible as I may be going away for a few days and will need the cats looked after. Having your own transport is necessary. Get in touch via email or FAcebook messaging as soon as possible if this interests you (onehearttantra(@)gmail.com).
Thank you for sharing, caring and helping in whatever roles you’ve played out with me over the months, years and lifetimes.
From their website: Just-one strives to actively promote and facilitate educational opportunities for disadvantaged and marginalized children in Nepal by working at a grass-roots level with the children, their families and their communities to implement a range of carefully developed, culturally sensitive, sustainable initiatives. – See more at: http://www.just-one.org/#sthash.BWBHZNKo.dpuf