Wild Places

A minute ago I came across a Facebook post from a friend (thank you) which simply put, is perfect for what I’ve been thinking about this morning.  Isn’t it incredible that one sentence and a painting can have such a deeply moving effect?  It never fails to amaze me how easily we are touched, or inspired, uplifted…and how crucial it is to feel that sense of connection, of belonging that comes from feeling such instant resonance.

Because I was writing, updating and thinking about France, my experiences there and that we’ve opened the September retreat to others…I was again deep into the vibration of being there, of those incredible experiences there, of the insights, revelations in fact, the beauty of sharing good food, places to visit, sensual touch, pleasure consciously explored in nature, communing with trees, flowers…allowing oneself to be touched deeply, profoundly …the sensations … the sensuality of life to be experienced as all experienced on the outside is a reflection of that inside.  In fact one informs the other… and then this sentence, this picture, so evocative of the eternal feminine…my whole being yearns for this…it must be what I am here for, to experience this, to create my reality from such pictures in my mind…

“The mind I love most must have wild places, a tangled orchard where dark damsons drop in the heavy grass, an overgrown little wood, the chance of a snake or two, a pool that nobody fathomed the depth of, and paths threaded with flowers planted by the mind.” ~ Katherine Mansfield

Frederick Carl Frieseke – Nude In Dappled Sunlight

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“Twelfth Night” ~ An Adevoiler Retreat ~ September 2018

 

Lynn Paterson and Peter Choi are delighted to invite you to join them on retreat in France from 3rd September 2018. This Adevoiler retreat is in 2 parts and both English and French will be spoken. You can choose the first week only or choose to join for the second week as well. Due to the close proximity to the event  we’re asking anyone interested to act very quickly.

The inspiration for this retreat is to invite others to join us in continuing our exploration based upon our experience last September, 2017. ​

From exploring the mysteries of the exterior to the mystery of the interior. Exploring the energy of source in nature and exploring the source in the feminine. Allowing Nature to inform us of deep truths about ourselves and the nature of our place, our role, in the world.

A series of exercises will be intermixed with a series of nature and site visits to progressively unveil what is the mystery … what is it that prevents us from seeing beyond the mystery?

In allowing the veil to lift, to dissolve, we allow ourselves to contact the reality through sensation, perception and illusions.  Part of the aim of the exploration is to re-connect our senses to our consciousness to explore pleasures that are sovereign. In this way we give ourselves permission to be and express ourselves.

Together the group will co-create and live a journey of unveiling to see beyond what we see and to touch beyond what we touch…

The first part is from 3-10 September 2018 and we will be re-tracing some of the steps of last year.  Here we will be focusing primarily on the cathedral sites of Chartres and Orleans, the famous gardens at Giverny (I was there in June this year and it’s fabulous.) We also plan to walk the labyrinth at Chartres – labyrinths have long been known as a mysterious gateway to finding deeper truths.

Location – Les Molieires, Île-de-France.  It’s less than an hour to Chartres form here. Accommodation is in shared rooms in a large private home on the edge of a village in the countryside. We anticipate the costs for the first part (3-10 Sept – 7 nights) to be in the region of £70 per night per person to include accommodation, meals and shared car hire. It will be a little less if all places are filled. Both English and French will be spoken and we have a translator. Meals will be simple and wholesome – preparation will be a shared endeavour.

In the second part 11-14 September, 2018, Peter and Lynn invite you to join us as we continue down into the Loire Valley. We will go deeper into the unveiling process with visits around the Loire Valley and giving more time to the indoor work. Visits we intend (not limited to) will include Chateau Chenonceau – a simply stunning chateau on water with its incredible gardens and huge trees it makes for fabulous outing…plus we hope to find ourselves another labyrinth! Also we will have time in nature and space to integrate.

Location – Loire Valley –  As the retreat is a co-creative endeavour we will only book accommodation once we know how many wish to join us. We estimate the costs for the second part (10-14 Sept – 4 nights) will be similar per night per person to the first week. – It’s not possible to attend only the second week.​

General Information

The Retreat is for a maximum of 12 participants and a minimum of 6, plus us two. Open to singles and couples. If you’re interested the first step is to complete the CONTACT FORM  telling us a little about you, adding any questions… and we’ll be in touch very soon.

We suggest reading through the series of articles FRANCE PILGRIMAGES Lynn has written following her experience in France last year as this will give much information through words, and much more through the spaces in-between. It’s a long read so please don’t wait till you’ve read it to book as time is passing quickly!

Please note: this is not a usual facilitator led group – Peter and Lynn are here to share their experiences and skills etc. in a group format because we love to share what fascinates, intrigues and helps us. There is no charge for facilitation; the cost of the retreat is to cover expenses only. The group we create together is to enhance personal sovereignty – not to diminish it. A big part of our aim is to allow personal space, personal expression, and personal experience for each individual – it is much more desirable for all to be themselves…this retreat will be providing space in which we can be ourselves as individuals and as a group. All participants must be comfortable with deeper work and capable of facing their inner issues in a mature and self-responsible manner.

Transport – flights etc. not included. Car hire is suggested on a shared or individual basis (we trust it to work out between the group as bookings progress).  Please ask about travel arrangements – we are delighted to help and don’t want the travel to be a problem for anyone who wants to join us.

Both English and French will be spoken and we have a translator. Meals will be simple and wholesome – preparation will be a shared endeavour. Restricted diets can be self-prepared.

Artwork credit: https://sigu.deviantart.com/art/The-King-of-Elfland-s-Daughter-332697611

Dream Lover

Disco music, dim lighting, the thick cigarette smoke veiling and cocooning me. Sipping a ludicrously expensive gin and tonic I gaze across the nightclub floor at the deejay, willing him to look my way. I know I look gorgeous yet I’m terribly insecure. It works! He quickly comes over to me. I’m shocked and embarrassed; it happened too fast, I’m not ready! I brush him off by pretending he misread the situation. He shrugs and goes away. I’m still shocked that it worked, and so fast! This isn’t something I’ve tried before, tending instead to stay quiet, not flirt even, not wanting to be misread or considered a tease… so no games for me and instead wanting men to understand I’m not a threat, I’m reliable, trustworthy, kind. I feel guilty now – why did I do it? I didn’t even fancy him; I just wanted to prove I could.

Uncomfortable now, I turn away and find myself gazing into the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. My body responds before I’ve even seen his face. He’s young, about 22 I’d guess, with dark blond hair, and very beautiful.

We look, we dance, we smoke and struggle to communicate through our different languages. An hour passes and he wants to walk me back to my hotel, along the beach he says, very romantic under the moon with the sea. My body longing, my emotions surging, my mind says ‘oh right, yes sure, I know what you want and it’s not going to happen coz it will feel cheap, tacky – I will feel used.’ (I also thought about the discomfort of the sand…)

On the way home with the girls now and they tell I should have, thinking I’d said no because of being unfaithful to my boyfriend back home…they said they wouldn’t have told on me. That’s only part of it for me though. I feel a deep regret, and confusion.  Did I make the right decision or should I have taken the chance and gone along with him?  No, I know it would have cheapened, lessened the experience as I thought the physical reality rarely lived up to my imagined one.  With the benefit of hindsight and many years of life, I wonder if I’d have chosen differently had I had some experience of a satisfying, fulfilling sex-life, perhaps I might have not thought that the thought of sex is better than it would be in reality.

Back in the hotel in my rather horrible single bed in the room I am sharing with a girlfriend and her 2 young children in our dismal, creepy old hotel, head spinning from too much alcohol, ears ringing from overly loud music, mind buzzing, wondering if I will manage to fall asleep and if so, will I ever awaken again from the intensely psychic energies of this creepy old place!

I drift off whilst thinking of my Italian Adonis. A moment later I’m immediately awake. He’s stepping into the corridor leading to my room! It’s a long, narrow passage-way and he’s walking slowly towards my door…

My body is responding, fully sexually aroused in mere moments. I’m lying on my back, utterly still, silent, every inch, every part of me intensely focussed on his progress. My body is singing.

He gets closer and closer, my pleasure intensifies with every step he takes. I can barely breathe, all is still, there’s no sound, no space, no time. The air, thick with my expectancy and anticipation, holds me a willing prisoner in my cocoon of pleasure.

Outside my door now, his hand on the handle, turning it. The door opens… I orgasm, not a small orgasm but a huge mega, completely real orgasm like I’ve never orgasmed before. It doesn’t hit the roof; it goes right through it and out of the building, reverberating its celebration for miles into the night. No, not a small orgasm like all I’ve had before through self-stimulation of the clitoris, this was an orgasm to change my life. I never knew how BIG orgasm could be, my whole body involved, the energy massive and unrestricted and not just contained within my body.  And at exactly the same moment I orgasm, I awake, until then I did not know I was dreaming.

In the moment, I realise that I have no resistance, no fear, no self-inflicted limitations;  my body and energy field are as one and I experience nothing but wave upon wave of ecstatic pleasure and there’s nothing to stop it happening.  I sense it like a sphere of shimmering subtle energy emanating from my body and simultaneously returning to me. I sense how it interacts with what it touches.

I lay there afterwards, going over the experience and insights.

OMG that was amazing! Awesome!

Will I be able to do it again?

Now, that’s how sex SHOULD be.

Why can’t I do that when I’m with someone?

Why indeed. At the time I got many insights, not least was that this experience confirmed to me what I had long suspected: my inability to orgasm with a partner was purely psychological and there was nothing physically wrong with me.  As the years passed I also developed many other insights and this experience was fundamental to my own sexual healing journey and also the work with others for theirs.

Another valuable insight I got at the time was that I realised that what I’d thought of as good orgasms up till now were in fact miniscule and puny in comparison. They’d been limited to and caused through physical stimulation. This dream orgasm had been completely touch free. Somehow I knew that the possibilities and implications were huge! Though for some years all I saw was that the reality of sex with another was often much less than the anticipation of it. That fantasy was more enjoyable than fact. But what is real and what is not? Is it not the case that both fantasy and fact can both be extremely enjoyable experiences and why should we put one above the other? Couldn’t we just enjoy both, rather than polarize to one extreme or the other?

The ‘wet dream’ I’d had was not from contrived sexual fantasy; it had happened without my conscious mind choosing it, though I was consciously aware and chose to think about this dream lover before I went to sleep, I had not fantasized about having sex with him.

The way I experienced the ecstatic energy was vastly different in my body. The sensation and awareness of having no resistance to the orgasmic energy was in itself an ecstatic experience and the orgasm added to this. It could equally be the other way around. For me, this raises questions about the nature of energy, of physical being, of interaction. And no touch involved! Purely from the imaginal realms I’d had a highly energized and physical experience.  That alone was mind-blowing.

I was even less satisfied with partnered sex A.D. (After Dream) than I had B.D. It would be some 20 years before I was able to feel comfortable enough to relax and ‘achieve’ orgasm with a partner through intercourse. That’s quite sad of course, yet it was also this situation that contributed to my desire to help others with sexuality issues and also of course to continue exploring for myself too.  My reality at the time was that though I had a longing for more sexual satisfaction, it wasn’t really centre stage in my life and only once in while would it creep in from the edges of my mind.  I simply believed that this was just the way it was for me.  So I’d settle for less, unable to even consider talking to my partners or seeking help, hoping things would change on their own or I’d meet someone with whom everything would be perfect.  This fear of talking to another about sex also gave me good skills to make others feel comfortable talking to me about their sexual issues and to listen without judgment.

Nowadays I continue to develop myself and grow in spiritual awareness through exploring my sexuality and looking back on my younger self I feel deep compassion for her for all the confusion, suffering and misunderstanding she went through.

© Lynn Paterson 2018

France ~ Initiation (Part II)

Dear Reader, as this story directly continues from France-Initiation (Part I), may I suggest you start there before reading this as otherwise it won’t really make much sense.

*****

At the end of the first part France–Initiation (Part I) I was telling you about the devastation I felt at the death of a story I’d been carrying for many years, upon which much of my sense of self was built. The death of an ‘inner story character’ is literally is like a death of a self, albeit a false self but that it is false is not known until the moment of the death-blow. That sort of experience is like the tarot card ‘The Tower’ and it was not without a sense of irony that I remembered the name ‘Magdalene’ has been translated to mean tower.

That Taj (Deborah) seemed fine, even excited, about my 180 degree turnabout was an exceedingly healing experience for me and taught me that there were some people who did indeed embrace the unexpected and change, and that here was a great friend indeed who appreciated me for who and what I was – and not for who and what I thought I was, or who I thought I should be.

This was a great antidote to the pattern of “I’ve made my bed and now I must lie in it”, which quite literally does of course mean lying to self, and others. This particular pattern I see in myself and other women, though there are men who carry it as well.  I feel it is a (false/shadow) feminine pattern and it goes along with the fear that women/the feminine are/is always changing their/its minds, that they can’t be relied upon, they are emotional, are not dependable, unpredictable, uncontrollable, not understandable, not logical. In other words, not safe, dangerous! It’s quite easy to dismiss this one yet in my experience it shows up in people on a daily basis and mainly you can see this through its counterpart which is the rigid, fixed mentality of authority. (Interestingly enough, this same pattern was to rear its head in 2017 when I was planning the return to France.)

Deborah and I went ahead and recorded our free introductory teleseminar the next day. I’d love to tell you that it worked out even better than it would have done before I had my turnabout, but it did not. In fact I didn’t feel it went well at all. I felt challenged to find my voice and more so that I’d lost the thread of what I wanted to share, and also that I couldn’t properly articulate what I was going through. Taj however thought differently, she really enjoyed it and had no criticisms of my contribution. I’ve not been able to bear even the thought of listening to the video since then.* (for update – see end of blog)

Knowing our next one was due on February 22nd I decided to let things settle for a few days. But they didn’t and if anything, I felt even more strongly about things. The energy was gone for me and I couldn’t get it back.  I went ahead and told Taj I couldn’t continue with the teleseminar series nor the week-long retreat we’d planned.  I felt terrible about it all.

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Radiant Heart – Mary Magdalene

Photographer unknown - used with gratitude
Photographer unknown – used with gratitude

 

I Am a Radiant Heart. So full of Love and delight. Bask in the presence of the One and All shall find their true Love. Sweetness comes to all that seek to know the truth of being fully human. Both divine and human. Man in divine truth is a beautiful creation that know no limits to its love.

Existence stills the mind for all eternity, coming unto self in the night of passion of the only one. No one need be passed by for in choosing love over all else, the righteous nature of self exceeds all else.  There is nothing to add to this.

Be unto the self as a mother is to her new-born child.  In every moment cherish the child of God that you are.  Never let a day go by without offering Love to yourself.  As you do this act of Grace you and all others are filled with Grace herself.

When your brothers and sisters come to you seeking that which they sense you have, it is because you are already being it. Hold back nothing now because there is nothing that can be taken which is your truth.  Do not limit the Grace of Spirit which desires to move through you.  It will be a balm unto the many as they seek their own true nature.

Fear not the wolves in the hearts of men for they know not what they do and ignorance is not the match of a Spirit infused soul.  Your truth cannot be taken from you; it may only be given away. Fear not evil for it is only seeking to know itself. Be a light in the darkness of despair.

I am your mother, your sister, your lover in alms.  Thank you for your devotion, I am always with you for we are one.

Lynn Paterson © 2017

France ~ Initiation (Part I)

Earlier this year I was surprised to feel the inner calling to return to the south of France.  I’d thought I was finished with France. I was even more surprised to feel a connection again to Mary Magdalene as I was certain I’d left all that behind, never to be re-visited.  Then the Cathars popped in too and all sorts of resonant information started collating itself in my close connections, social media, inboxes and other such places. As I said, I was very surprised to find this connection alive again because as far as I was concerned, I’d seen through all of the illusion and had no desire to get back involved with any of it again. I’d visited the area about 10 years previously and also in 2014 with a group.  Though my time there in 2014 was incredibly awesome, there were other aspects that I’d come into realisation about afterwards that lead to me withdrawing energy from the stories and people of the area.  I remember that even in 2014 I was surprised to hear from Magdalene again, as I hadn’t been feeling much of a connection for some years.  Truly, it’s a living mystery how these things come about!

In late 2013, and early 2014, I’d had two ‘callings’ from Magdalene in connection with the south of France.  As it turns out, so had my friend Deborah.  She emailed me “Magdalene is calling me, fancy going to the south of France with me?”  Deborah and I had re-connected in 2014 in Malta/Gozo after several years of little contact between us – but one thing is for certain with Deborah and me, every time we met it was extremely activating for us both.

“Magdalene’s been calling me too, so yes!” I somewhat bemusedly found myself saying. We decided to organise a retreat and blend that with private time. I felt like it must be in September. We called our retreat “Initiation” and all I can say is, it certainly was! One major factor in our retreat was to leave space for the Unknown (Divine Mother )  to come in – I was very sure of this aspect though Deborah less so, she was always happy to trust my intuitive hits.  Here’s how we put it:

“Our theme for the weekend is “Initiation”. Our intention is to invite the serpent-light power of Kundalini to awaken. We will be the crucible for Gaia’s Fire and our instructor will be Gaia Herself. And this is the exploratory part… we don’t know precisely what She will bring forth!”

Mary Magdalene by Richard Stodart

Little did we know what this was setting off for us, and that our individual and joint stories would weave unexpected and unknown paths.  In fact, I wonder at my own inexperience looking back – boy have I had initiation after initiation since then!  I have also discovered since that our story wove with that of the Cathars as well as that of Mary Magdalene.  When we discovered that there was a Cathar cave experience that the Cathar Initiates took part in we decided we simply had to include the cave expedition which several retreat participants decided to join us in too.  Because of the turns my life took that summer, I never did blog about the retreat, sites and caves we experienced so I’ll be including that later on, but for now I’m skipping ahead to the story of the 2015 retreat.

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Moving On

Dear Friends,

The time has come for me to move away from this beautiful sanctuary of Courtmacsherry in West Cork.  It’s gifted so much to me and taken so much from me.  It has held me through a deep transition and becoming.  On 13th April, exactly one month after I had a major revealation on my birthday which showed me how I must first choose myself and then all other choices/decisions/thinking becomes obsolete, I had another vision and saw my next steps.  My heart called me to write; to move to Co Clare or Galway for 3-4 months and empty myself of the past 15 years of life and learning. In that moment I knew I wanted to give up tantra, sacred sexuality work, ‘healing’ work, sessions, groups, retreats …all of it.

I saw how easily I could give up the house here, and my stuff, and move away. I saw how my reasons for staying here were nothing but excuses justifying staying put. In another reality, which I found myself in the very next day, things didn’t look quite so simple!  But I knew I had to act as if I were still in that vision of freedom.

Over the past month the integration that has taken place through extreme intensity and the deepest fears.   I’ve gained clarity through healing, self-care and the integration of those experiences and those since my relationship broke up back in July.  It’s almost been a whole year since then, and when that year completes itself, I can feel now that I will be in a very different place, both physically and metaphorically.

I gained much clarity on the tantra and healing work and since I pulled out completely which included cancelling events and the women’s circles. It was very clear to me that any remaining ideas or concepts I had of healing or therapy were no longer appropriate or useable. Since giving it up I have seen where and how I was embroiled, and saw through my own expectations and my need to give, and my need to take.  Once I’d seen that I knew it was okay to work with a select number of clients providing It didn’t interfere with my writing and other priorities. Now I am working with a few clients with whom it’s possible to work with in a new and clearer way without expectations, obligations or other entanglements which inevitably crept into sessions in the past. It’s freer, easier, and more delightful ~ it’s an innocent pure expression of being. And of course, the ‘work’ has become more powerful simply because all the ‘trying’ has been lifted away – no more pressure to perform!  (I’m walking my own talk – see my blog: http://www.onehearttantra.com/blog/are-all-those-ps-making-you-miserable)

I’ve had so much cool shit happen over the years, so many mystical and magical experiences, deep wisdom, revealations and insights, but also terror and at times misery, constant anxiety and fear of failure, heart ache and falling in love, finding myself in love too.

I’ve worked with pecu-liar self-proclaimed masters, worked with many awesome teachers and healers, met and said goodbye to so many soul-mates, friends and lovers and through it all have recognised the many and varying roles we play out for each other, over and over again – those which I experienced the deepest, most profound joy and love with were the same ones I experienced the deepest and more terrible grief and sadness with.  It’s not personal; it’s simply the way of it until I learn to choose myself, for myself, in every moment, in every sense, in every way.

I’ve learned about energy management, how we give and take power from each other and why we do that.  I’ve given away more power than water goes over Niagara Falls in a year.  And taken just as much! I’m learning a new way of being, I’ve owned my longings and yearnings and stopped expecting someone else to make me unhappy. And I’ve stopped looking for them to make me happy too J.  I’ve given up on my dreams of how my future should, or will be and come into a place of not knowing, again and again. I’ve been angry, mad, sad, bad, awful, controlling, manipulative, horrible, terrified, scared, afraid, courageous, brave, stupid, sensible, sensitive, generous, mean, medium, shamed, blamed and guilt-ridden. I’ve hated and mated, been high and low, hot and cold, black and white, here and there, back and forth and round and round.  I’ve become aware of playing and being played, both victim and abuser equally, to exactly the same degree and intensity of each role. I’ve discovered how the mechanics of karma operate, seen the hidden power behind the sun and seen deeply into the addiction of doing and the diseases of society such as the Saviour-Martyr program and the false masculine and feminine archetypes.

I can’t wait till I have it ready to share with you!  Except I have to cos it’s not written yet…

Moving Sale

Actually I started this as a Facebook post as an infomercial to announce the sale of treasured items and ex-belongings – both as I could use some cash to fund my writing retreat, and also to give a little to help in Nepal.  I’ll gift 25% of proceeds to an awesome local charity called “just-one” (see below for information on the organisation).

I’ve sacred geometry, costume and crystal jewellery, Buddhist statues of Tara’s and Ganesh, clothes, handbags, shoes, pictures, books, dvd’s, some household and other bits and pieces– all in good condition as I look after my stuff so well – so watch the Facebook space as it’ll be happening very soon both on location and on Facebook.

June Exchange Offer for Helping

It would be nice to have some help with packing and moving preparations.  If you fancy a part holiday here from a few days to a week or longer in exchange for some time helping me pack etc. then I’d love to hear from you.  Equally, I am open to exchanging teaching and tantra for your assistance. Whichever it is, I’m looking for someone who is grounded and responsible as I may be going away for a few days and will need the cats looked after. Having your own transport is necessary. Get in touch via email or FAcebook messaging as soon as possible if this interests you (onehearttantra(@)gmail.com).

To Conclude

Thank you for sharing, caring and helping in whatever roles you’ve played out with me over the months, years and lifetimes.

In Love,

Lynn

From their website: Just-one strives to actively promote and facilitate educational opportunities for disadvantaged and marginalized children in Nepal by working at a grass-roots level with the children, their families and their communities to implement a range of carefully developed, culturally sensitive, sustainable initiatives. – See more at: http://www.just-one.org/#sthash.BWBHZNKo.dpuf