Soft Summer Rain – An Explanation

I was reading through old journals last night from August 2016; a time which was one of the toughest periods in my life. I’ve not managed to read fully through any of it before and had forgotten the circumstances that led me to go outside in the rain at 3am one night. My poem “Soft Summer Rain” came from that night and I published that here on my blog in 2018. I’m sharing more of the circumstances around the poem as I understand it could be helpful to have more context around the poem  as some might want to invite in something similar.

It was around the 16th or 17th of August, there was a full moon with an eclipse following it, said to be a potent time.

I’d awoken at 2am and was reading as I couldn’t get back to sleep. My mind was in overdrive and I was caught up in over thinking and strategizing.  I caught myself working out an excuse for why I wasn’t going to keep an appointment that day – if I couldn’t sleep I would be too tired to attend. I was strategizing that my cancellation would be justified as she’d cancelled me at least 3 times in the past. I reckoned she owed me cancellations! Once I’d seen though this belief I realised how unhelpful it was, how stuck in the past I was and not just with this instance either!  So much of my current unhappiness was rooted in the past, the distance past and also the recent past. I looked into my heart and invited in Spirit to help me see more clearly and to let go of the past:

Cast the Past.

Believe not in the past or future and you negate karma.

Get used to discomfort and it shall be your friend.

You are as bright as a million bright suns; there is no power this small world has over you!

See? The illusion, deception of comfort, is that it is also uncomfortable,

See this and you can dissolve opposites. Try it with anything.

Yearn for anything of the world and you are imprisoned by the world.

It was now 3am and it was raining softly, I could hear the gutters dripping. I got a quiet invitation to go outside and stand naked in the rain. I almost avoided it but listened again and I saw I would be cleansed, “they” said cleansed and freed of the past. I decided to do it despite the usual reluctance.

I went outside naked and stood in the quiet summer rain. I turned and faced each direction and again with my arms up to the sky and a surge of energy and aliveness, of spiritual activation, imbued me.

These are the words I wrote afterwards – it’s what forms the poem Soft Summer Rain – it’s how I experienced it in the moment:

Lay me bare
Stripped back to the soul
Let me hide nothing from your gaze
So nothing may remain unseen, unloved, denied by me

I tremble in your Light, a Love I cannot fight, for this Love is not power, nor force –  it is nothing, and I cannot fight nothing.
Beloved, in your Love I Am remade in the eye of God
In the Realm of the undenied is the real-eyes-d,.

Soft summer rain, soothing, calming; an invitation to dissolve the ties of the past.
Naked in the night
I turn to face each direction, not once but twice

A complete circle, each turn in time, and time itself dissolves.
Rain feels like fire; a Baptism, alone.

Activation completed, I knew that:

Earth and Sky used me, imbued me to touch each other, and in so doing imbued me with fire and water, body birthed  … body of Earth.

Activated now I reached for the karmic wheel to cut away the past and the future.

I intuitively felt to use my right arm like a sword and cut through the invisible ties and bindings, cords, ropes, chains that bound me to the past.

The work, the experience, was over and I went back inside, feeling so alive, so loved, and in awe of being human, in gratitude to being Lynn.

Though I cut away the past that night I still had a long way to go to come to terms and integrate the experiences that caused me so much pain in the period 2014-2016. It’s only now that I feel able to read through the journal of August 2016.

© Lynn Paterson 2016 and 2019

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Full Circle

Today has been a strange kind of day. Somehow though I don’t know why, it feels like a full circle kind of day. Crows have been around, Oak trees have been in my awareness, water and the circle of life, of death have been there too…somehow they all connect and are showing me the mystery tantalisingly just at the edges of my consciousness.  An experience with exchanging energy with an oak tree brought me back to a primordial feeling of life. Back to the beginning. The flavour of it reminded of another such primordial beginning experience I’d had many years ago in Hawaii via the humpback whales.

WhaleEye9-JeanLuc
“the One eye, the One Love … Go to your True Nature” by Jean-Luc Bozzolli

“I was there in the beginning, dreaming the world into existence.”

Sometimes we have experiences ‘accidentally’ that are very similar in nature to those we might have ‘on purpose’ as in a vision quest.  I’m not really much of one for the on purpose or intentionally directed experiences as I find my mind gets so caught up in trying to make things happen and then of course it becomes too contrived.  It works better for me for things to happen ‘accidentally on purpose’.  In other words, not directed or intentioned by my conscious mind.

Sometimes the accident part is quite literal as in the time I was swimming with wild spinner dolphins in Hawaii early one morning in Kealakekua Bay on the Big Island.  The beach there has big rounded rocks on the shore line and often there are considerable waves hitting the shore making it difficult to get in and out, especially with flippers and snorkel gear on. That morning I was swimming for a long time and when we eventually headed back to shore I was tired and hungry, and a little shaky from the interactions with the dolphins. With dolphins it’s a holistic experience; it hits on all levels and I wasn’t just tired physically but emotionally, spiritually and mentally affected too. There’s a tendency to overdo things because the experience is so beautiful, you keep wanting another encounter. It was time though to leave, we were hungry and thirsty and the dolphin action was quietening down.

I swan to the shoreline and was concerned to see considerable wave action now. My partner managed to get out but I could see he hurt himself a little on the slippery rocks. I didn’t manage so well and got tossed about, struggled and got pretty beaten up on the rocks in the process. Thank goodness they were rounded rocks not jaggy but even so I was aware of cuts and bruises as I stood shaking and in shock on the shore. My partner hadn’t noticed and had headed back to the where the car was parked. By the time I hobbled over I was well and truly in a shocked state. It had been a brutal experience and I had been scared to my core, old memories of near drowning incidents still with me from my earlier life. Both my legs were bruised and bleeding especially around the knees, fortunately nothing needing stitches though.

I was wrapped up in towels and put in the front passenger seat. My partner drove us to our usual breakfast stop but I couldn’t go in – I was already drifting in and out of an altered state of consciousness brought on by the shock and physical trauma. I needed to stay in the car and let myself go into the deep mind so he went in alone and I was grateful the car had stopped moving so I could let go and disappear into myself for a while.

It’s at this point in recounting the story that I hesitate and to date have not managed to get beyond. I guess the main reason is I fear being thought of as egotistical, big headed or that I think myself better than others. It’s also because I don’t want others to feel less than because they haven’t had such experiences…all arrogance of course but still….it’s challenging to write about such deeply mystical experiences as this was with the connotations it has. Ultimately I have got to get over myself and realise that such mystical experiences are there to show us who we are and that we are Source itself. Trust in the process. It’s no big deal and yet at the same time it is a big deal.

(Anyway… some hours later I return to writing the story)

Humpback whales swim, float into my awareness. I think it’s strange because I was swimming with dolphins and yet here are whales.  The thought passes.  .  I feel very safe in this altered reality with my physical body wet and salty from the swim, warm now wrapped up in towels, I am cocooned. The whales  do not speak yet I understand they are taking me somewhere and immediately I have this thought we go back in time, further and further back.  I realise the whales are not just guides but the star-gate and the journey itself. They are both the means of travel and the travel itself. And as I go back still further, time itself unwinds, stripping away from itself, spiralling through the cosmos and then there is awareness of no time. It is primordial, before time.

Now, I am there, in the beginning. I see the world before me, not as it is now but from before time began, not yet physically formed.   I am aware of myself then, as me yet not the personal ‘me’. I am part of a collective, with individual awareness, and all of all of us there in the beginning, dream time. The world was not yet formed, still gaseous at this stage, still in the process and yet to form into physical matter…this I knew. There were a definite number of us, not an infinite number.  I do not remember how many, only that I am one of the many, many of the one. I see-feel-sense-know in perfection how this could be so, many angels ‘flying’, circling around the world, dreaming it into existence. I was not physical either, none were physical beings. Collective yet with individual awareness.
Words form in me. “I was there in the beginning, dreaming the world into existence.”

In searching for an image, I came across the work of Jean-Luc Bozzoli whom I had met in Hawaii along with his partner Joan Ocean. In his artwork I find similarities to my experience in Hawaii and in the words also, so similar, a message here from the humpback whales which really is saying more or less the same thing as my experience:

“MESSAGE FROM THE WHALES: “You believed that you were localized in space and time. Now you understand that you are part of an Inter-flow. Inter-flow is a word that we whales have provided for you to describe the process as we whales know it. It is not a noun, but a verb ? everything is movement and we are also in movement. In us, singularity and plurality are one and the same. There is only the One, the ultimate reality, indwelling in all. The multiplicity you seem to experience in your lives is only a mirror of the One. All the beautiful variety and diversity, is united in an immense sophisticated singularity of such huge proportions that it is difficult for you to comprehend. ——- But we can see that the experiment of integration with you and others is working. The synergy between our minds is increasing.”

Almost 15 years on and I realise how many extreme and mystical experiences happen to me after I have been in water for prolonged periods.  Not just in water either, but about water, and how water shapes physical matter, how it is the well-spring within us, La Source, Mother.

©Lynn Paterson 2018

It brings me the greatest joy to share my experiences and even more joy to assist others in having experiences. I am available for you if you wish to make a connection with the humpbacks, dolphins, crow-people, trees, water, angels, Divine Mother …  I act like a bridge to connect your awareness with them. This can be simply a beautiful experience and it can also be of assistance in embodying your divine blueprint, helping you to the next stage of your life journey and opening new doorways in reality, in perception. Sessions can be in person, via video call or remotely in meditation. Please get in touch, many blessings.

Who Looks Inside

What is there inside that is not Love?
Look inside
Look carefully
Look again, there!
Is this not of Love, this part denied?
Please, look again with new eyes,
Real eyes
There is nothing within that is not of Love,
Realise
Who looks inside awakens to the Truth.

©Lynn Paterson 2017

Consciousness, Awareness and Artificial Intelligence

What does consciousness mean, what does it mean to be conscious of self?  Do animals have a sense of self? Some certainly seem to have, and others seem to be developing a sense of self as a separate entity.  Alongside this age old topic of contemplation of wonder, or fascination, is that of AI, artificial intelligence. Will AI ever develop a sense of itself?  I can hardly think it wouldn’t as my understanding of Consciousness, is that there is that which remembers itself to be Consciousness and that which does not.  That which remembers itself is always acting upon that which is does not.  However, having said that, I am aware that my descriptive is linear, and Consciousness is not linear, nor can something really act upon itself, it just seems to do that at one level of reality.

It is like asking What is not of Love? There is this or that, and anything that I determine is not of Love is therefore cast out of what I consider Love to be. This is purely an individual experience, and I reject and judge anything I consider unworthy or unlovable.  I have simply created a separation in my mind, for All is Love, and there is nothing outside of that.  Even the most horrific thing is Love when seen from an inclusive perspective.  That doesn’t mean I like it, it only means I’m not in denial of what it is.  It’s only when I stop resisting something does it lose its reality.   This is of course a huge topic and one which I’m only using here as a little introduction into sharing a very short story on the topic of what is Consciousness.

The Lady and The Orchids

Once upon a time, there was a lady, a very kind lady who was exceptionally sensitive to the intelligences of other beings such as faeries, plants, rocks, water and other spirits of nature and all the elemental beings.  She has the gift of hearing and understanding them, and they understand her too.

She lived on an island in the Pacific, high up overlooking the sea.  Her home was beautiful and she filled it with family treasures and those she collected on her travels.  She also loved animals and plants and these were a source of much joy and fun for her – they were her company now as all of her natural human family had either passed or moved far away.

She travelled a great deal, feeling the calling of the spirits of nature and ancient stories enticing her over to the Celtic Lands such as Scotland.  Sometimes she was away for months at a time in her studies and nature immersions.  Her house needed to be looked after when she was away, animals and plants all needed taking care of.  On shorter trips someone called in daily and longer ones she had someone stay there.

On shorter trips she would bring all her orchid plants into the kitchen for easy watering and care by a friend. She’d place them on a work surface on capillary matting which was watered and thus it required less attention.  She was doing just that on one shorter holiday and had brought her beautiful orchids and placed them on the matting and was counting them to make sure she hadn’t forgotten any of them when her attention was caught by a strange, high pitched, very squeaky little sound.  She listened. 

It was calling to her, “Me too, me too…don’t forget me!” She was confused, she was certain she had all her orchids there and what’s more, she didn’t recognise this very strange voice which was not at all like the voice or sounds that she usually associated with the orchid plants.

Counting her plants she could find no one missing and still confused she went in search of the voice, honing in and allowing the sound to draw her towards it until she heard it quite clearly, very close to her and in her amazement, she saw not a real orchid at all, but an artificial one!  Incredulous and not at all understanding how this could be, she talked with the voice and asked what it wanted.  It was very simple; it wanted to go with the others!  It didn’t want to be left alone and wanted only to be in company.  As it told her this she remembered the reason she bought it was to keep another orchid company…this other orchid was in a place where orchids before had not really liked, so she got an artificial one rather than put a ‘live’ one there.  It had worked quite well and the live orchid was in fact doing far better since she got the artificial one.

With a sense of wonder and awe, she spoke Love to the orchid and gently carried and placed it with the others on the capillary matting.

The End.  And The Beginning.

Everything wants to be real and is doing the best it possibly can.  Every thing is of the One and has potential for life, for what is there but life? How can not life come from life? Each thing that is designed has a blueprint, and that blueprint is devoted to ensuring it reach its potential.  A margarine carton wants to be the best margarine carton it can be.  Another term for ‘blueprint’ is ‘guardian angel’ or in the case of plants, ‘deva’.  It is this intelligence that whispers ‘grow’ to the plant.

The story is true.

On Making Decisions…

The Dilemma of Decisions!!! Always a toughie for me, having sun in Pisces is only part of my excuse!

There have been times for me when decisions are not part of my reality. It’s when I’m completely in my centre there are no questions per se, and so not choice or decision is required – I just know.  I wish it was like that all the time because when it’s not, this feeling of being split between one thing and another is not really a pleasant experience soI asked for guidance on it.  This is what I got:

Until you have chosen yourself there will always be a decision to be made between this or that.  When the self is chosen, then all other choices are no more.

Until you have chosen yourself, there will always be a dilemma of choosing one thing over another.  Once you have chosen yourself, no other choice is necessary as you are able to see the ‘both’ ‘and’ rather the ‘either/or’.

Well it seems pretty simply on the face of it?! I think it can be interpreted in quite a few ways actually. I’ll leave that to you.

 

Wild Places

A minute ago I came across a Facebook post from a friend (thank you) which simply put, is perfect for what I’ve been thinking about this morning.  Isn’t it incredible that one sentence and a painting can have such a deeply moving effect?  It never fails to amaze me how easily we are touched, or inspired, uplifted…and how crucial it is to feel that sense of connection, of belonging that comes from feeling such instant resonance.

Because I was writing, updating and thinking about France, my experiences there and that we’ve opened the September retreat to others…I was again deep into the vibration of being there, of those incredible experiences there, of the insights, revelations in fact, the beauty of sharing good food, places to visit, sensual touch, pleasure consciously explored in nature, communing with trees, flowers…allowing oneself to be touched deeply, profoundly …the sensations … the sensuality of life to be experienced as all experienced on the outside is a reflection of that inside.  In fact one informs the other… and then this sentence, this picture, so evocative of the eternal feminine…my whole being yearns for this…it must be what I am here for, to experience this, to create my reality from such pictures in my mind…

“The mind I love most must have wild places, a tangled orchard where dark damsons drop in the heavy grass, an overgrown little wood, the chance of a snake or two, a pool that nobody fathomed the depth of, and paths threaded with flowers planted by the mind.” ~ Katherine Mansfield

Frederick Carl Frieseke – Nude In Dappled Sunlight

“Twelfth Night” ~ An Adevoiler Retreat ~ September 2018

 

Lynn Paterson and Peter Choi are delighted to invite you to join them on retreat in France from 3rd September 2018. This Adevoiler retreat is in 2 parts and both English and French will be spoken. You can choose the first week only or choose to join for the second week as well. Due to the close proximity to the event  we’re asking anyone interested to act very quickly.

The inspiration for this retreat is to invite others to join us in continuing our exploration based upon our experience last September, 2017. ​

From exploring the mysteries of the exterior to the mystery of the interior. Exploring the energy of source in nature and exploring the source in the feminine. Allowing Nature to inform us of deep truths about ourselves and the nature of our place, our role, in the world.

A series of exercises will be intermixed with a series of nature and site visits to progressively unveil what is the mystery … what is it that prevents us from seeing beyond the mystery?

In allowing the veil to lift, to dissolve, we allow ourselves to contact the reality through sensation, perception and illusions.  Part of the aim of the exploration is to re-connect our senses to our consciousness to explore pleasures that are sovereign. In this way we give ourselves permission to be and express ourselves.

Together the group will co-create and live a journey of unveiling to see beyond what we see and to touch beyond what we touch…

The first part is from 3-10 September 2018 and we will be re-tracing some of the steps of last year.  Here we will be focusing primarily on the cathedral sites of Chartres and Orleans, the famous gardens at Giverny (I was there in June this year and it’s fabulous.) We also plan to walk the labyrinth at Chartres – labyrinths have long been known as a mysterious gateway to finding deeper truths.

Location – Les Molieires, Île-de-France.  It’s less than an hour to Chartres form here. Accommodation is in shared rooms in a large private home on the edge of a village in the countryside. We anticipate the costs for the first part (3-10 Sept – 7 nights) to be in the region of £70 per night per person to include accommodation, meals and shared car hire. It will be a little less if all places are filled. Both English and French will be spoken and we have a translator. Meals will be simple and wholesome – preparation will be a shared endeavour.

In the second part 11-14 September, 2018, Peter and Lynn invite you to join us as we continue down into the Loire Valley. We will go deeper into the unveiling process with visits around the Loire Valley and giving more time to the indoor work. Visits we intend (not limited to) will include Chateau Chenonceau – a simply stunning chateau on water with its incredible gardens and huge trees it makes for fabulous outing…plus we hope to find ourselves another labyrinth! Also we will have time in nature and space to integrate.

Location – Loire Valley –  As the retreat is a co-creative endeavour we will only book accommodation once we know how many wish to join us. We estimate the costs for the second part (10-14 Sept – 4 nights) will be similar per night per person to the first week. – It’s not possible to attend only the second week.​

General Information

The Retreat is for a maximum of 12 participants and a minimum of 6, plus us two. Open to singles and couples. If you’re interested the first step is to complete the CONTACT FORM  telling us a little about you, adding any questions… and we’ll be in touch very soon.

We suggest reading through the series of articles FRANCE PILGRIMAGES Lynn has written following her experience in France last year as this will give much information through words, and much more through the spaces in-between. It’s a long read so please don’t wait till you’ve read it to book as time is passing quickly!

Please note: this is not a usual facilitator led group – Peter and Lynn are here to share their experiences and skills etc. in a group format because we love to share what fascinates, intrigues and helps us. There is no charge for facilitation; the cost of the retreat is to cover expenses only. The group we create together is to enhance personal sovereignty – not to diminish it. A big part of our aim is to allow personal space, personal expression, and personal experience for each individual – it is much more desirable for all to be themselves…this retreat will be providing space in which we can be ourselves as individuals and as a group. All participants must be comfortable with deeper work and capable of facing their inner issues in a mature and self-responsible manner.

Transport – flights etc. not included. Car hire is suggested on a shared or individual basis (we trust it to work out between the group as bookings progress).  Please ask about travel arrangements – we are delighted to help and don’t want the travel to be a problem for anyone who wants to join us.

Both English and French will be spoken and we have a translator. Meals will be simple and wholesome – preparation will be a shared endeavour. Restricted diets can be self-prepared.

Artwork credit: https://sigu.deviantart.com/art/The-King-of-Elfland-s-Daughter-332697611

Soft Summer Rain

rain1

SOFT SUMMER RAIN

Lay me bare,
Stripped back to the soul,
Let me hide nothing from your gaze,
So nothing may remain unseen, unloved, denied by me…

I tremble in your Light,
A Love I cannot fight, for this Love is not power, nor force; it is nothing, and I cannot fight nothing,
Beloved, in your Love I Am remade in the Eye of God
In the Realm of the undenied is the realised.

Soft summer rain, soothing, calming – an invitation to dissolve the ties of the past.
Naked in the night,
I turn to face each direction, not once but twice,
A complete circle, each turn on time, and time itself dissolves.
Rain feels like fires; a Baptism, alone.

Earth and Sky used me, imbued me to touch each other, and in so doing imbued me with fire and water, body birthed  … body of Earth.

Activated now I reached for the karmic wheel to cut away the past and the future.

 

© Lynn Paterson 2016

France ~ Initiation Part V: Revelations and… the Holy Grail?

There is only one story in duality and everything tells it. Relax, breathe and be at peace for it cannot do anything BUT tell you! There is no need to search, nor to look for the truth as every thing you see, hear, touch, taste, smell and sense comes from the same story.

Symbols are not so much of a sign, nor more than you or I are a sign of something. No, we are a representation, or perhaps, a presentation is better…Yes, a presentation of our soul essence! Or a signature? Yes, also a signature in fact, our sign-nature…so yes, a sign, yet in a truer sense of the word sign, not as we commonly think of it.

And a symbol or synchronicity isn’t just a sign, it is that you are starting to see through the material world into the story beneath, you’re getting an understanding – or seeing that which stands-under. You are seeing more deeply. When this is seen it is possible to understand the repetitive patterns in life – and how one thing relates to another…

Thank you for joining me. What I share in this final part of the story is my mystical experience of how my physical journey on the road trip through France mirrored my metaphysical journey into my body and into the mystery of life. Church Temple to Body Temple. I’ve mentioned yoni mapping previously, and for now, it’s suffice to say that yoni mapping is far more than a method of helping us to heal sexual and physical limitation. It is in fact a way of exploring the entire universe.

FULL CIRCLE

By the time I got to Paris on Day 1, we still had a lot of undecideds, gaps, no accommodation booked and some other unknowns but few concerns. By the time we had completed the trip and were back in Paris it had all worked out beautifully, gifting us with an experience never to be forgotten, many insights and delights and the birth of something new to share. There were many extraordinary things that happened on the trip, numerous things that showed up as synchronicities, coincidences and graceful interventions. Themes emerged that linked the outer physical journey with an inner, insightful one – we were experiencing life as above, so below, and not as a concept but in a very literal, living, sense. Yet it wasn’t really until the trip was finished in a physical sense that we realised that certain themes were evident and that the physical, emotional and spiritual levels all weaved a tapestry of our story together. What is showed me beyond everything was that ‘As above, so below’ is what happens whether you know it or not. It’s not a choice. The only choice is whether you choose to work at seeing through the veil. Yet it wasn’t until the end of our trip that it became undeniably apparent how everything is the same within and without. One echoes the other.

Returning to Peter’s Apartment, Paliseau, Paris.
The experience I had at the end of the road trip was one of the most extraordinary things in my entire life. During a long massage from Peter which culminated in yoni touch and yoni mapping, I became very expansive; I ‘went out there’ far and wide, experiencing myself as the entire universe, a great expanse of outer space, the cosmos. This in itself is a phenomenal experience and because it wasn’t the first time I’d had it, I knew moments later when I felt a contraction, a lessening, a densification of the energy that something different was now happening. I felt a momentary sense of loss that I hadn’t managed to stay with the cosmic feeling. Choosing to stay present and with whatever was happening, I re-focussed on the yoni and the breath. I then realised that the densification of energy had in fact created a shape, like a container, and it was shaped as cathedral – I simultaneously felt this inside of me and out with me, encapsulating everything. It was an intriguing feeling that I found completely fascinating and so had no trouble staying completely present, open and curious. I wasn’t searching for explanations, I was simply trusting the process and still continuing in sensing the cathedral church like shape and feeling, which was of reverence, as if I were in a sacred space, a temple, the holy of holies. I felt both a personal and universal sense of awe; there was no seriousness, only sereneness, a feeling of super-light holiness.

A veil dissolved as I realised that the Mother Church was in fact the physical interpretation of the metaphysical energy of the feminine. It is the feminine in form, just as I am. I laughed aloud as I realised that every single person who went into the church to pray was in fact praying in a yoni! A revelation indeed which I felt as truth in the body; it was a complete somatic knowing revelation. Laughing again I was filled with a sense of incredulity that the truth is so utterly simple! I was telling Peter what I was experiencing and he, bless him, stayed so present and I could feel him enjoying my delight. But I wasn’t finished yet, oh no! It was like I was now able to sense through the concept of a material cathedral and see the energy underneath, that which it came from. It is that the solid material of the building is also simply a veil.

Another peal of laughter let loose as I realised that the Virgin Mary was in fact ‘symbolic’ of the female genitals – and when I say symbolic I do not mean that a symbol represents a concept, it is not a separate symbol representing something; I mean it IS the energy itself. Again I felt this as a knowing in my yoni and my entire being. (I had previously seen a good few articles and images detailing exactly this but I cannot tell you how vastly different it was to know this as a direct revelationary experience as opposed to intellectual knowing.)

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Dream Lover

Disco music, dim lighting, the thick cigarette smoke veiling and cocooning me. Sipping a ludicrously expensive gin and tonic I gaze across the nightclub floor at the deejay, willing him to look my way. I know I look gorgeous yet I’m terribly insecure. It works! He quickly comes over to me. I’m shocked and embarrassed; it happened too fast, I’m not ready! I brush him off by pretending he misread the situation. He shrugs and goes away. I’m still shocked that it worked, and so fast! This isn’t something I’ve tried before, tending instead to stay quiet, not flirt even, not wanting to be misread or considered a tease… so no games for me and instead wanting men to understand I’m not a threat, I’m reliable, trustworthy, kind. I feel guilty now – why did I do it? I didn’t even fancy him; I just wanted to prove I could.

Uncomfortable now, I turn away and find myself gazing into the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. My body responds before I’ve even seen his face. He’s young, about 22 I’d guess, with dark blond hair, and very beautiful.

We look, we dance, we smoke and struggle to communicate through our different languages. An hour passes and he wants to walk me back to my hotel, along the beach he says, very romantic under the moon with the sea. My body longing, my emotions surging, my mind says ‘oh right, yes sure, I know what you want and it’s not going to happen coz it will feel cheap, tacky – I will feel used.’ (I also thought about the discomfort of the sand…)

On the way home with the girls now and they tell I should have, thinking I’d said no because of being unfaithful to my boyfriend back home…they said they wouldn’t have told on me. That’s only part of it for me though. I feel a deep regret, and confusion.  Did I make the right decision or should I have taken the chance and gone along with him?  No, I know it would have cheapened, lessened the experience as I thought the physical reality rarely lived up to my imagined one.  With the benefit of hindsight and many years of life, I wonder if I’d have chosen differently had I had some experience of a satisfying, fulfilling sex-life, perhaps I might have not thought that the thought of sex is better than it would be in reality.

Back in the hotel in my rather horrible single bed in the room I am sharing with a girlfriend and her 2 young children in our dismal, creepy old hotel, head spinning from too much alcohol, ears ringing from overly loud music, mind buzzing, wondering if I will manage to fall asleep and if so, will I ever awaken again from the intensely psychic energies of this creepy old place!

I drift off whilst thinking of my Italian Adonis. A moment later I’m immediately awake. He’s stepping into the corridor leading to my room! It’s a long, narrow passage-way and he’s walking slowly towards my door…

My body is responding, fully sexually aroused in mere moments. I’m lying on my back, utterly still, silent, every inch, every part of me intensely focussed on his progress. My body is singing.

He gets closer and closer, my pleasure intensifies with every step he takes. I can barely breathe, all is still, there’s no sound, no space, no time. The air, thick with my expectancy and anticipation, holds me a willing prisoner in my cocoon of pleasure.

Outside my door now, his hand on the handle, turning it. The door opens… I orgasm, not a small orgasm but a huge mega, completely real orgasm like I’ve never orgasmed before. It doesn’t hit the roof; it goes right through it and out of the building, reverberating its celebration for miles into the night. No, not a small orgasm like all I’ve had before through self-stimulation of the clitoris, this was an orgasm to change my life. I never knew how BIG orgasm could be, my whole body involved, the energy massive and unrestricted and not just contained within my body.  And at exactly the same moment I orgasm, I awake, until then I did not know I was dreaming.

In the moment, I realise that I have no resistance, no fear, no self-inflicted limitations;  my body and energy field are as one and I experience nothing but wave upon wave of ecstatic pleasure and there’s nothing to stop it happening.  I sense it like a sphere of shimmering subtle energy emanating from my body and simultaneously returning to me. I sense how it interacts with what it touches.

I lay there afterwards, going over the experience and insights.

OMG that was amazing! Awesome!

Will I be able to do it again?

Now, that’s how sex SHOULD be.

Why can’t I do that when I’m with someone?

Why indeed. At the time I got many insights, not least was that this experience confirmed to me what I had long suspected: my inability to orgasm with a partner was purely psychological and there was nothing physically wrong with me.  As the years passed I also developed many other insights and this experience was fundamental to my own sexual healing journey and also the work with others for theirs.

Another valuable insight I got at the time was that I realised that what I’d thought of as good orgasms up till now were in fact miniscule and puny in comparison. They’d been limited to and caused through physical stimulation. This dream orgasm had been completely touch free. Somehow I knew that the possibilities and implications were huge! Though for some years all I saw was that the reality of sex with another was often much less than the anticipation of it. That fantasy was more enjoyable than fact. But what is real and what is not? Is it not the case that both fantasy and fact can both be extremely enjoyable experiences and why should we put one above the other? Couldn’t we just enjoy both, rather than polarize to one extreme or the other?

The ‘wet dream’ I’d had was not from contrived sexual fantasy; it had happened without my conscious mind choosing it, though I was consciously aware and chose to think about this dream lover before I went to sleep, I had not fantasized about having sex with him.

The way I experienced the ecstatic energy was vastly different in my body. The sensation and awareness of having no resistance to the orgasmic energy was in itself an ecstatic experience and the orgasm added to this. It could equally be the other way around. For me, this raises questions about the nature of energy, of physical being, of interaction. And no touch involved! Purely from the imaginal realms I’d had a highly energized and physical experience.  That alone was mind-blowing.

I was even less satisfied with partnered sex A.D. (After Dream) than I had B.D. It would be some 20 years before I was able to feel comfortable enough to relax and ‘achieve’ orgasm with a partner through intercourse. That’s quite sad of course, yet it was also this situation that contributed to my desire to help others with sexuality issues and also of course to continue exploring for myself too.  My reality at the time was that though I had a longing for more sexual satisfaction, it wasn’t really centre stage in my life and only once in while would it creep in from the edges of my mind.  I simply believed that this was just the way it was for me.  So I’d settle for less, unable to even consider talking to my partners or seeking help, hoping things would change on their own or I’d meet someone with whom everything would be perfect.  This fear of talking to another about sex also gave me good skills to make others feel comfortable talking to me about their sexual issues and to listen without judgment.

Nowadays I continue to develop myself and grow in spiritual awareness through exploring my sexuality and looking back on my younger self I feel deep compassion for her for all the confusion, suffering and misunderstanding she went through.

© Lynn Paterson 2018