I was reading through old journals last night from August 2016; a time which was one of the toughest periods in my life. I’ve not managed to read fully through any of it before and had forgotten the circumstances that led me to go outside in the rain at 3am one night. My poem “Soft Summer Rain” came from that night and I published that here on my blog in 2018. I’m sharing more of the circumstances around the poem as I understand it could be helpful to have more context around the poem as some might want to invite in something similar.
It was around the 16th or 17th of August, there was a full moon with an eclipse following it, said to be a potent time.
I’d awoken at 2am and was reading as I couldn’t get back to sleep. My mind was in overdrive and I was caught up in over thinking and strategizing. I caught myself working out an excuse for why I wasn’t going to keep an appointment that day – if I couldn’t sleep I would be too tired to attend. I was strategizing that my cancellation would be justified as she’d cancelled me at least 3 times in the past. I reckoned she owed me cancellations! Once I’d seen though this belief I realised how unhelpful it was, how stuck in the past I was and not just with this instance either! So much of my current unhappiness was rooted in the past, the distance past and also the recent past. I looked into my heart and invited in Spirit to help me see more clearly and to let go of the past:
Cast the Past.
Believe not in the past or future and you negate karma.
Get used to discomfort and it shall be your friend.
You are as bright as a million bright suns; there is no power this small world has over you!
See? The illusion, deception of comfort, is that it is also uncomfortable,
See this and you can dissolve opposites. Try it with anything.
Yearn for anything of the world and you are imprisoned by the world.
It was now 3am and it was raining softly, I could hear the gutters dripping. I got a quiet invitation to go outside and stand naked in the rain. I almost avoided it but listened again and I saw I would be cleansed, “they” said cleansed and freed of the past. I decided to do it despite the usual reluctance.
I went outside naked and stood in the quiet summer rain. I turned and faced each direction and again with my arms up to the sky and a surge of energy and aliveness, of spiritual activation, imbued me.
These are the words I wrote afterwards – it’s what forms the poem Soft Summer Rain – it’s how I experienced it in the moment:
Lay me bare
Stripped back to the soul
Let me hide nothing from your gaze
So nothing may remain unseen, unloved, denied by me
I tremble in your Light, a Love I cannot fight, for this Love is not power, nor force – it is nothing, and I cannot fight nothing.
Beloved, in your Love I Am remade in the eye of God
In the Realm of the undenied is the real-eyes-d,.
Soft summer rain, soothing, calming; an invitation to dissolve the ties of the past.
Naked in the night
I turn to face each direction, not once but twice
A complete circle, each turn in time, and time itself dissolves.
Rain feels like fire; a Baptism, alone.
Activation completed, I knew that:
Earth and Sky used me, imbued me to touch each other, and in so doing imbued me with fire and water, body birthed … body of Earth.
Activated now I reached for the karmic wheel to cut away the past and the future.
I intuitively felt to use my right arm like a sword and cut through the invisible ties and bindings, cords, ropes, chains that bound me to the past.
The work, the experience, was over and I went back inside, feeling so alive, so loved, and in awe of being human, in gratitude to being Lynn.
Though I cut away the past that night I still had a long way to go to come to terms and integrate the experiences that caused me so much pain in the period 2014-2016. It’s only now that I feel able to read through the journal of August 2016.
© Lynn Paterson 2016 and 2019