Dear Reader, as this story directly continues from France-Initiation (Part I), may I suggest you start there before reading this as otherwise it won’t really make much sense.
At the end of the first part France–Initiation (Part I) I was telling you about the devastation I felt at the death of a story I’d been carrying for many years, upon which much of my sense of self was built. The death of an ‘inner story character’ is literally is like a death of a self, albeit a false self but that it is false is not known until the moment of the death-blow. That sort of experience is like the tarot card ‘The Tower’ and it was not without a sense of irony that I remembered the name ‘Magdalene’ has been translated to mean tower.
That Taj (Deborah) seemed fine, even excited, about my 180 degree turnabout was an exceedingly healing experience for me and taught me that there were some people who did indeed embrace the unexpected and change, and that here was a great friend indeed who appreciated me for who and what I was – and not for who and what I thought I was, or who I thought I should be.
This was a great antidote to the pattern of “I’ve made my bed and now I must lie in it”, which quite literally does of course mean lying to self, and others. This particular pattern I see in myself and other women, though there are men who carry it as well. I feel it is a (false/shadow) feminine pattern and it goes along with the fear that women/the feminine are/is always changing their/its minds, that they can’t be relied upon, they are emotional, are not dependable, unpredictable, uncontrollable, not understandable, not logical. In other words, not safe, dangerous! It’s quite easy to dismiss this one yet in my experience it shows up in people on a daily basis and mainly you can see this through its counterpart which is the rigid, fixed mentality of authority. (Interestingly enough, this same pattern was to rear its head in 2017 when I was planning the return to France.)
Deborah and I went ahead and recorded our free introductory teleseminar the next day. I’d love to tell you that it worked out even better than it would have done before I had my turnabout, but it did not. In fact I didn’t feel it went well at all. I felt challenged to find my voice and more so that I’d lost the thread of what I wanted to share, and also that I couldn’t properly articulate what I was going through. Taj however thought differently, she really enjoyed it and had no criticisms of my contribution. I’ve not been able to bear even the thought of listening to the video since then.* (for update – see end of blog)
Knowing our next one was due on February 22nd I decided to let things settle for a few days. But they didn’t and if anything, I felt even more strongly about things. The energy was gone for me and I couldn’t get it back. I went ahead and told Taj I couldn’t continue with the teleseminar series nor the week-long retreat we’d planned. I felt terrible about it all.
In hindsight it is easy to see that I expected too much from myself. It was too soon after having a major peel-away of a massive belief system that had sustained my idea of who/what I was for so long. Too much of my life had been crafted and integrated around this belief of Magdalene and Jeshua including my most recent marriage which had ended only 7 months ago. To lose another huge chunk of ‘myself’ so soon was almost intolerable. What made it worse was that I’d had such an uplifting experience of France together with Taj and I cherished our friendship and all that we’d shared in making the plans and going there…and this too now felt like it had been torn away from me too. And not just the past but from the future too. In some ways Taj was supporting me through a difficult patch – it was like I was a bridge in need of repair and she the support on each bank. I was with her just before my marriage broke, and with her just afterwards. Now she was here again with me as I went through yet more disintegration. The timing of things is not accidental of course.
In typical Taj style she wasn’t fazed in the least when I decided to pull out on February 18th, just four days before the teleseminar series was just to start.
“I love it when plans get cancelled, it frees up time to do something else exciting” is exactly how she put it.
Her enthusiasm for life and travel knew no bounds. We discussed going alone but I didn’t feel any desire whatsoever to even go to France as a personal trip for the two of us so instead we talked about other options for travel and workshops together – at one point she described herself as incorrigible because her enthusiasm for planning events and travel was unrivalled. I called her unstoppable. We looked at Cyprus, at Malta/Gozo, Amsterdam, Lesbos, and Ireland. By May we’d settled on another trip to Malta/Gozo for September and a women’s workshop in West Cork in August. She asked me if I was okay if she could continue to use the name “Initiation” for any retreats or workshops she wanted to run and I was delighted she wanted to. I wondered where it would take her.
Less than a month later my own initiation continued to unfold and March and April gave me epiphanies which changed my life forever. Firstly on March 13th I had an incredible epiphany on the morning of my 54th birthday in which the mechanics of karma were revealed to me. The information was to become a book though to date I’ve not had the wherewithal to write it (much to my disappointment). A month later on April 13th I got two major pieces of information: firstly to give up the tantra massage work and secondly, to move away from West Cork and go to Clare/Galway and write for 2-3 months.
In reality, it didn’t happen quite so easily as the epiphany had led me to believe (as usual) but that’s another story, so in sticking to this story, Taj and I didn’t do our women’s sexuality workshop as I’d moved twice by the time she was due to come to Ireland. Instead of the workshop we’d planned for that first weekend in August, she made the trip down to East Clare to visit me along with two dear friends. I was so delighted and blessed as she really had to move mountains to get this organised at short notice. We all had a completely magical and mystical time visiting the Burren, feasting, singing and generally having a wonderful time together along with some others who joined us. They stayed only for two nights and on the day she left Taj said to me that she’d sensed I wasn’t going to join her in Malta in September to which I agreed, it wasn’t going to happen and I didn’t know why but it just didn’t feel right. She completely understood and we had both a deeply happy and emotional goodbye. She journeyed back to Dublin and did a week-long course on Pelvic Heart Integration in Wicklow and then hopped over for a similar retreat to Totness, Devon.
Fifteen days after I had last seen her, Taj died to her physical body and transitioned into the realm of Spirit. The last thing she did was staying with beloved friends, visiting her favourite stone circle in Devon, enjoying fine food and sharing about her recently found interest in ecstatic death – she showed them a short video on this. She went to bed and never woke back up again in the physical.
I did a meditation and connected with her so I knew she had transitioned easily, gracefully and was full of herself and also quite a bit surprised – she said to me in her typical New Jersey way, laughing, astonished – “Who knew?”
What I understood was that she was telling me that she’d had no clue as to the how her choices to serve Love and the divine feminine would play out, and that it could include a transition to the next realm. I know she had no clue she was due to pass over for she had major plans still underway and more in the pipeline. Her flexibility and acceptance of what life throws at her was taken in her usual way. I continue to be both deeply inspired, profoundly touched and somewhat astonished by her ability to do this.
I’d love at some point to write more about the other stories with Taj and how deeply she is intertwined in my life, for now I’m going to leave you with some of my favourite images of Taj which will give you a sense of who and what she was/is. And of course, she will definitely be back in the next installment of the France Mystery Tour-de-Force. I love you Taj ♥
Not all these photos were taken by me – many thanks to those who did.
Part II thus ends with a quote Taj used on her website www.lovewithoutlimits.com
“Love is living and therefore growing; love is growing and therefore expanding; there is no limit to the expansion of love, for its source is divine and thus its expansion is perfect.” —Hazrat Inayat Khan, The Sufi Message
*UPDATE: In editing this blog today, I came to realise that in writing this part of my story I was both ending and opening chapters. Now that I’m almost finished, it feels more like I’ve just completed the initiation. In the blog I wrote I hadn’t been able to bear the thought of listening to the teleseminar recording again. In fact I didn’t even know how to find it as I’d deleted so much old stuff. On editing this blog today and looking for dates, I came across a newsletter of Deborah’s giving the Retreat and Teleseminar details. I followed the link to the Introductory Dialogue YouTube video we did and have started to listen to it. I’m mid way through now and will reserve any further comments till the next installment of France-Initiation. For those interested in numerology etc. our video recording was timed at 1:11:44. Though I had not even thought to share the video things are now undeniably changed since I began this blog. I feel Taj with me and a new sense of freedom is beckoning, a growing up to that which I am. From the moment we met Taj saw me for what I am, she trusted and loved me and saw in me something that touched her deeply. I wish to honour that now, honour our work together, honour her and honour myself. So here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kz5osvpXrSo&feature=youtu.be
Initiation – France is to be continued in Part III when I will take you back to France with me again.
Many blessings, Lynn
© Lynn Paterson 2017